Thursday, 25 August 2011

Vanilla to D/s and onward to M/s...

(Flickr // CC)

So... This is where I get writer's block...

WazDakka and I started out in a vanilla relationship. Sure there was pretty much always some BDSM play there as it was a pre-existing interest for the both of us, but the relationship itself functioned in a vanilla manner, as boyfriend/girlfriend with little - to - no power dynamic. 

Then, a while ago, it became a lot more D/s (Dominant/submissive). A power dynamic definitely came into play and was, in time, recognised. It fit, and wasn't an especially thought-out thing. In some ways, it helped that there was never a power struggle or difficulty working out where the balance was as WazDakka is Dom through and through, as much as I am sub through and through.

Lately though, it really became clear that M/s (Master/slave) was much closer a description to how we were actually living. WazDakka pointed this out and since then, we've effectively relabelled our relationship. I'm finding myself behaving differently too, actually. There are times when I remember my behaviour is a reflection on my Master and as such my conduct should be the best it can be.

There have been a lot of small shifts recently, and all for the better. I can only look forward to what the future has to bring for us :)

NK x

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Mental Health and BDSM

So I've been wanting to write about this topic for a while...

There's often talk about the apparent correlation between kink and mental health issues. In the general population, roughly 1 in 4 of us will have a mental health issue of some sort, at some time. The most common tends to be depression or anxiety based. I count myself among those who have (and in my case, continue to) suffer. 

For me, I started to experience what was later diagnosed as depression and anxiety probably around 10 or 11 years old. Some might think that's early, though a surprising number of people do experience very early problems with mental health disorders. As of now, I am 23 and still battle against my demons. 

Whether or not there is a higher incidence of mental health problems in the fetish community is hard to say as any evidence would be anecdotal at best, as no studies have been conducted nor numbers assessed. However, anecdotally speaking at least, there does seem to be at least a loose correlation - in my experience - that suggests such issues do seem to have a higher rate of incidence amongst the kink sceene. 

As many psychological movements in the world still categorise elements of kink as being themselves hallmarks of variant forms of mental illness, some would likely argue that the connection may suggest kink could be a disorder or 'sickness' as it is at times seen in the vanilla world to be. 

Recently, though, I have been thinking more about alternate reasons why this may be. 

From a young age we are raised (generally speaking) in a vanilla world. This world is still broadly speaking, not especially sex positive, and even more critical of "deviant" sexual needs and wants. From as early an age as we develop these desires, we hear that they are not healthy. For some of us, we establish vanilla relationships and go about our lives often surpressing part of who we are. I believe this to be unhealthy behavious; as to deny a part of yourself can only bring pain and sadness. 

I have found personally, that as i feel my kinkiness is an integral part of who I am and that those needs and desires are as strong as my needs for sex in general, for social contact and friendship, that if those desires are surpressed for too long a time I do find my stress increasing, my mood descending and my ability to cope with the world at a low. 

Perhaps a correlation between a kinky self-identification and mental health problems could be traced to having to mould and shape ourselves to fit a world unforgiving of BDSM? 

All in all, be true to yourself and you may be surprised at how good it feels. 
NK x

Friday, 5 August 2011

I'm a Brat.

Brats love cupcakes.

I've wanted to write about this for a while.

Most people who read this blog will by now know that I am a submissive. My partner is both my boyfriend in vanilla terms and my Dominant. It's become a running joke between us and beyond that I am, at times, somewhat bratty.

I never meant it to be so. I dislike the concept of brattiness, and seeing it in other subs tends to make me flinch. I guess it's true what they say that you tend to most notice negative traits in others if they are ones you possess yourself.

The thing is though, there is more than one sort of bratty - in my opinion, anyway. Sure, you have full on, topping-from-the-bottom bratting. But then you also have the cute(?), generally childlike, playful bratting. Naturally, there's a whole bunch inbetween too, but broadly speaking most of what I see falls vaguely into one of those categories.

The other side of the coin is of course, the tollerance of the Dominant involved with a bratting sub. Some take playful bratting in good humour and don't have an issue with it. Others may see it as insubordination, no matter the intent.

Most of the time, I'd like to say that when I do go brat, it's of the playful kind. In fact, I'd hope it always was. But here's the thing, sometimes bratting that's meant to be of the playful kind inadvertantly serves as the controlling sort. In all honesty, I dislike myself bratting of either kind. I have a much stronger subby/service orientated streak in me than I often admit to, and being disobedient makes me feel bad.

So why do I brat? Mostly, for attention, if I'm being honest with myself. Sometimes it also serves the same purpose as nervous laughter, too. But mostly, the attention.

I'm an ass.

I'd like not to be.

NK x

Monday, 28 March 2011

On Shifting Goalposts and Awesome Boyfriends.

Non Monogamy Map 
First of all, as a side-note, I should be working. I know that. I will be soon, but this all needs to come out of my head if there is even a chance of that happening... Which it really needs to!

I saw the map shown above on another blog post an absolute age ago in a round-up of things the blogger had found, and bookmarked it. I found it interesting, especially as I'd always considered R and I to be mono... But the graphic saw things differently. At the time, our arrangement was that I was allowed to engage in non-sex kink play with friends, as R is less into kink than I am. What interested me especially about the placement of arrangements onto that map was that "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex and no emotional connection" was classified as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy" but did not get defined as a form of poly... whereas the description of "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex" (but allowing for emotional connection) found itself in "Polyamorous relationships" as well as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy".

Now, when looking at this at the time, I found that slightly odd, because I guess I didn't really see our arrangement as being poly-ish at all. But then, personally, I think I would struggle to engage in BDSM or D/s play with anyone I didn't have at least some form of emotional connection with.

Now, the more interesting stuff!

This weekend has been... Interesting. Lately, I've struggled a little. I've been comfortable with my sexuality for a long time and that hasn't exactly changed, but I do find being bisexual I get shifts in where my preferences lie, and while I always do like both, there are times I swing far more towards women. Add on to that, that I haven't been near a woman in a sexual sense in probably about 3 or 4 years... Frustration. On top of that I had begun to feel distant from R because of my mind being all girl-obsessed at the moment. In turn, this meant I felt guilty as sin for it. Now, I know that's not useful or sensible, but it was how I felt.

On explaining all of this to him, R's response was (and I quote) "Go for it". Not the answer I'd expected. After a whole lot more talking across the course of two nights (for some reason, our communication seems to improve once we hit the sack... probably because my communication improves, so I just demand conversations!) we have established what have now been termed as "All new and improved, sparkly goalposts. Some might even say shiney".

The upshot is:
  • R and I still love each other very much and that comes in ahead of ANYTHING else. He knows to say if he feels differently ever about anything, and any little 'eeps' should be mentioned, because I would hate to do anything to ever hurt him.
  • He is totally fine with me having what has been termed "girl fun".
  • He must be told before anything happens, and has (an unlikely to be used) right of veto.

I think that's everything. So, yeah, I'm still trying to sort out my own headspace from that.

NK x

Thursday, 17 March 2011

And what, precisely, does that have to do with ANYTHING?

And so begins the article;  "THIS is the face of killer Beverley Briggs – carer by day and phone-sex worker by night."

Sorry, what? Please, tell me what the hell her PSO work had to do with her crime? Reading further into the article, we're told she was deep in debt and had stolen from the pensioner she killed. In that sense, holding down a second job gives further information to her background and possibly to her financial situation - but I am damned sure were it any other kind of second job she worked, say as a cleaner, or in a call centre, it wouldn't have been "THIS is the face of killer Beverley Briggs - carer by day and call centre worker by night". It would have, possibly, been mentioned somewhere in the article.

Just checking; I haven't got mixed up have I? It is 2011? Are we still morally staining people for legal, legitimate work? (Aside from the question of declared earnings, but as there was no mention of her not declaring that would be assumptive.)

Surely the headline should have focussed on the fact that she killed an OLD LADY in her CARE? How is her PSO work more important?!

I have nothing more constructive to say right now, I just needed to rage somewhere.

NK x

Sunday, 13 March 2011

On Porn Viewership Switchiness.

CC // Flickr
(Yes, Pawn/Porn. I'm freaking hilarious, I know.)

Recently I got thinking about how, I guess "switchy" would be the best word, I am in my porn tastes. I watch porn relatively regularly, upwards of once a week (dependent on when I'm in a situation to do so ;) ) and every time I do so, there's generally something I want. Not just something generically hot, but a specific - sometimes I'll want to see something very kink, sometimes it's more vanilla. I might want anal or oral or any number of kinks - sometimes even ones I've never identified as having.

Each type is watched from a different perspective for me though, depending on what's going on, and how I'm feeling that day. If I'm watching a female sub centric scene, then what's getting me off could be me as the voyeur or placing myself as the tortured sub. In an anal scene, I'm probably imagining my ass being taken, but occasionally in a strapon scene, I might find myself in the mindset of being the fucker rather than the fuckee.

However what I found recently is that gender roles seem to affect the way I fantasise within my porn watching. Normally, if I want kink, it'll be female-sub centric, where I can identify with the sub. Just recently though, I found myself watching scenes of male subs being Dommed by females and majorly got off on it, very much in a dominant mindset. It's interesting though, that when I think about the possibility of ever Domming, I can only imagine it with a male sub - don't ask me why, I'm honestly not sure.

Whether or not anything will ever come of any of these thoughts that run through my head, I don't know... But for a self proclaimed totally-non switching, complete sub, this is interesting.

NK x

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Why Define by Difference?

colourful rainbow hearts  
CC // Flickr

A monogamist look at polyamory, compersion and all things non-monogamous, and how we need to move past a binary perspective... Or in other words: here be a rant.

Mr NK and I are monogamous. Exclusive. Whatever you want to call it. We've been together for almost two and a half years, and have always been mono (Does that sound like I'm talking about us being a disease to the American folks reading? Hmm).

Up until just over a year ago, I'd say I had limited (non-online) knowledge of polyamory. Then I joined FetLife. Ah, the innocent and naive! Don't get me wrong here, I was aware of the concepts, and knew of people online who were involved in varying forms of non-monogamy, and had no problem or confusion about that. However, none of my "real world" (Ack, I hate that term) friends were polyamorous, and while I would occasionally stumble upon references to polyamorous relationships in blog posts or articles online, I didn't really actively look at the issues at play, simply because it didn't really involve me.

These days, the generally awesome girltype I'd probably class as my best friend is polyamorous, and holds it as something quite important to her. Much as sexuality is key to a person, to be polyamorous is to her, a core attribute (Lilly, correct my post if this sounds wrong to you - and if so, please accept my apologies and boobs for make-up flashing). Between our talks and reading around what other people have to say on the subject, both in poly and mono based boards on FL, there are some things that have been getting on my nerves somewhat. I guess the most accurate way to put them would be sweeping generalisations, and while I tend to logic that they're normally based in a degree of reality, I feel they've become so prevalent, so stated-as-truth, that I need to set a few things straight. These are my truths. They may not be everyones'. YMMV etc.

With that, on to my gripes!

  • Monogamous people are innately jealous

Right... Except, that's about as founded in reality as saying "blondes are dumb". Sure, some are, I'm sure. Hell, we all have our moments. But not always. In my case, I'd say I occasionally am. It tends to relate far more to times when I feel the balance is out of whack and I'm not having my needs met, though, rather than some irrational, paranoid girlfriend moment.
  • Monogamous people don't "get" compersion

I can't speak for all mono types here, but I do. I can grasp the concept of deriving happiness from my partner's pleasure/happiness of his own. I'm not going to pretend there wouldn't be occasional wibble-moments, but I actually do get it. I guess the best way to explain it is that it doesn't feel like some kind of crazy, alien concept to me.
  • Monogamous people are in denial about their needs being met (or rather, not being met) by a single person.

Maybe some are. Sure, I hear couples talking about how they're just perfect. How everything "fits" and that the other person is everything and does everything they could have ever wanted or needed. If that is the case, then that's great. I suspect, though, that for some, who they're trying to convince is questionable. For me, Mr NK probably doesn't meet everything I could possibly desire. Firstly, I'm bisexual. Personal opinion here, but I think any person who is bisexual and says they don't, from time to time (or more) think about fucking a person of differing gender status to the person they are with is full of shit. I know I do. Second of all, I'm kinkier than Mr NK is. We're lucky that I'm subby and he's naturally Dom but he could pretty much take or leave kink, and has limited interest in extended participation (think fet events, full scenes etc).

There are some interesting suggestions being hurled from the other side of the fence too though...

  • Poly people aren't in Twoo Love(tm).

Oh puh-lease. This one's getting old already. I know of some very loving couples, triads, groups etc who have non-monogamous relationships.
  • Poly is an excuse for cheating

I'm not going to deny there are, I'm sure, some folks who go into it so that they can fuck around and avoid hassle. But from the relationships I've witnessed, that really isn't what's going on. And yes, in a great many poly models of relationships, it is possible to be (or feel) cheated on. In all hinges on transparency and trust, y'know?

I can't pretend I can be the best answer of any shit-slinging at polyamory, but it makes me flinch to hear mono people saying (uninformed) negative things about different types of relationship. Besides, if I'd only mentioned what I've heard poly posters say about the mono lot, it might have seemed a little... inbalanced!

My point of all of this is that our differences are less significant than our similarities. We're all in relationships to express our love for another person/people. We're all (mostly) conducting our relationships according to whatever model is working for us. I'd even say we all want largely similar things; to have our needs met and meet the needs (both wherever possible) of the others in our lives, to love and be loved, and to be happy. Why must we continue to define by difference, rather than embracing the whole range of similarity and difference in our relationships as a positive thing? I'm sick of seeing the stirring, truth be told.

Please, comment back, tweet me... generally, I want to know what you think about it all.

NK x

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Review: Cal Exotics "Shane's World" Sorority Party Vibe - Nooner

Cal Exotics Shane's World Nooner Vibe 
Cal Exotics sent me this for review this month, and I have to admit a little cringe did sneak onto my face when I first set eyes on the packaging. The words "sorority party vibe" just jumped out at me - and not in a good way.

You may think "well, what's the matter, it's the toy that's important, right?", and I agree it is the most important aspect of the product, but I really feel that poor packaging lets a toy down, it can make all the difference to whether or not you'd give the toy as a gift, and I'd even argue that really tacky packaging (like this) does a lot to keep sex toys in the realm of dirty, seedy things. Bad! ><

Onto the toy though, and I was pleased to see it only needs a single AA battery, which was really easy to fit - twist off the cap, pop the battery in, and replace the cap. The controls are as simple, as the multi-speed vibe works off a twist mechanism - the purple pointer bit you see in the picture is your speed selector/on-off switch.

The speed levels are noticably different - something I've found not to always be the case with twist cap vibrators, and go from a low, rumbly feeling buzz to a much higher pitched, bullet like feel. The great news is that the vibes do carry to the end of the toy, as I found when using this for clit stimulation. The handy thing about it not being a bullet (other than not needing fiddly batteries) is that you don't get the vibrations wizzing up into your hand during use (something that bugs me when using many bullets).

Cal Exotics Shanes World Nooner Vibe 
Like much of the current Cal Exotics range, it has a silky "velvet cote" finish, which feels great. It boasts being waterproof, something that I haven't actually tried myself, so can't comment on.I was pleased to see though, that this is a seamless vibe, making it smooth all over. I was sent the purple one, but the vibe also comes in pink (of course) and a bright, lime green (er, right).

The biggest bugbear I had with this vibe during use was the fact that I found myself knocking the twist control, just through the way I was holding it, meaning it kept dropping to a lower setting, which was kinda offputting! I'm not generally very tollerant of vibrators I have to consciously think about how to hold the whole way through as really, I don't feel like that's what self pleasure should be about.

It was disappointing to have those issues with the twist cap, because ignoring that, the vibe itself is enjoyable - the vibration settings offer something for almost everyone, and the vibes carry really well into the clit. Used for penetration, I'd suggest it for days when you don't want a challenge, or perhaps for beginners or those using with wary partners - it's not in the least bit intimidating (being 4.75" insertable).

All in all, a vibe that is fundamentally enjoyable, but with a flaw. And horrid packaging. Still a good little intro vibe, and cheap and easy to run.

NK x

Friday, 28 January 2011

Erogenous Zones: Breasts and Back

So, when Lilly posted about an Erogenous Zones series and invited people to join in, I was all for it. I had intended to join in from the start pretty much, but as a lot of the start of this year ended up being about sorting out this new blog and whatnot, that didn't happen. Which made me a sad kitty, but hey hum, we're there now!

This is week four of the series, dealing in breasts and the back, and the torso in general. For me, what really jumped out when I thought about writing about these areas was my back. In particular, my back and pain.

I remember when I was about 17, experiencing my first tastes of kink with my then-girlfriend, my biggest kink at the time (tame as it may seem to some) was scratches. In general, I used to walk around the rock club we hung out in literally covered in them, proud of my marks. If I'd known then what I know now about D/s relationships, subs and Dommes, I think all of that might have made more sense to me. At the time I don't think it did - other people seemed to find it odd, there'd be stares sometimes, but I didn't. It seemed natural, right and above everything else, pleasurable.

I remember having my back exposed to her, as she asked if I was ready. Putting all her force into it, she scored the length of my back with her nails. I felt the tracks scorch into my skin and the adrenaline rush through me. More. I needed more. She looked surprised.

"Baby, I never knew you were such a masochist"

Fuck, yes. In terms of hot, scratchy pain and my back, there is no "too much". I have been left with scars for months off scratches I'd have liked harder.

Coming round to my front, and my breasts. They're not actually all that big, in proportion to the rest of me (*sadface*). But what they are is very very perky, and that seems to work for most folk. Historically, I've known them to get a fair bit of attention in play, and it really depends on my mood as to how I handle that. Sometimes, I don't want them handled too roughly (maybe some of those variations are hormonal?) and other times, I can't get enough. The thing that's really changed within relatively recent times for me, though, is my nipples. Before they were pierced I could withstand a fair bit of nipple play bordering on nipple torture. These days though? I'm all about licking and sucking. I will writhe and moan and generally go pretty fucking crazy for that.

One extra thing to tag on to this post as it's really all about the torso. I have a scar on my tummy, from surgery a few years ago. The fact that it's about a foot long will give away that it wasn't a minor surgery! For years afterwars, my nerve trees going up my abdomen and all around the scar were pretty screwed, but recently I've regained a lot of feeling. Around the scar, most of that skin feels pretty normal to me now, but up towards the side of my right boob is still a touch numb. I'm fortunate in that I've never been embarrassed by my scar though - I see it as a testament of all that I've survived and as such I'm pretty damn proud of it.

Saying that though, a partners' reaction to it has always been significant in my confidence during sex. The Chef's most favourable response to it was "I don't care" and that so long as we were having fun, it didn't matter. It's so close to being positive you could almost think it was, couldn't you? Almost.

Previously mentioned kinky ex girlfriend practically worshipped it. She knew how kisses on partially numbed skin felt fluttery and ticklish, and loved to lick and kiss the length of the scar. I remember the look in her eyes, she found it mesmerising. A physical note of what I'd overcome to still be alive. And she thought it was beautiful. So I felt it.

NK x

P.S. Don't forget to check out Lilly's post!

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

The World Needs More Buck Angels.


I just watched this video. It's not actually all that new, being from July 2010, but Buck linked it up in Twitter, so I gave it a look.

For me, his talk really demonstrates why I feel as though if more people in the world were doing what Buck is, the world would be a better place. Having himself gone through 28 whole years effectively waiting for his life to start, hoping and wishing that he could be who he truly was, his whole aim now is to make sure that doesn't happen to other people.

As he says in the video, life is short, and for some people the most debilitating thing they have to deal with is actually society's judgements on them. For whatever reason, it can be hard to be who you really are, and be open about who that person is. Whether it's down to your gender identity, your sexuality, or a whole host of other issues, society's judgement on you affects how you live in a much more profound way than a lot of people realise.

While I've always identified as being female, I don't always agree with societal norms as to what that should mean. Likewise, growing up, I knew I didn't just fancy boys. In my teen years, this became a conscious bisexuality, but in later teens and into more recent times, I've really began to understand that for me, attraction has no basis in gender. I like guys. I like girls. I like people who don't fit into binary gender, and those who reject the concept outright. For me, attraction is based on how attractive I find the person. Simple, really.

Overall I guess I just wanted to take a moment to really shout out that Buck Angel is a hero of mine, and in my opinion, one of the most amazing people on the planet. (And, admittedly, fucking gorgeous!)

NK x

P.S. - One request. Spare the time in your life to watch the video. It's worth it.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Backstories: First Time...


When you're a teenager, your virginity, and its state of intact-ness (or not) is a pretty huge deal. Everyone's talking about sex. People are saying they have done it (when they haven't) and that they haven't (when they have). Whatever you choose to tell people is, ultimately your own business, but there's no denying the pressure that's there.

When I look back at my mid-teen years, I don't think I cared too much what others thought of me. At least, I can name a lot of other girls in my school who seemed to care more. Perhaps what that really came down to was that my core group of friends (the outcast metal kids, mostly) was a lot smaller - so while I cared what they thought, the school body as a whole could pretty much get stuffed.

By the time I was 16 and in FE college, though, it started to feel like I was really left behind. All my close friends had done it, and most of them were doing "it" on an ongoing basis! But not me. When I turned 17 (yes, we were naughty!), we went out for my birthday. We started in a few fairly trendy bars, then at the end of the night I'd promised we could finish off in a rock club. I was dreading it, because I really wasn't into rock music at all.

As it turned out, rock and metal is kinda awesome.

To cut a long story short, I found myself a regular on the rock scene locally, and one weekend met a guy who was more than a little interested in me. I've always been a tall girl, but he towered over me. There was something in that which really appealed to me. He also turned out to be a really good kisser*.

The following monday (student night), we met again in the same club. By the end of the night we were back at my (then) best friend's house. We stayed in the spare room, which didn't have a bed, but a sofa. Floorspace was limited too, so that was out of the question. As my "companion" had seemingly been enjoying some... naughty salt... he barely knew what the hell was going on around him. Finding myself half naked (my skirt stayed on. Not for the hotness of a pulled up skirt or anything. I just had no self confidence) under him, being fingered. I'd grown wet (it reall has never taken that much to get me wet) and vividly remember him pulling out his fingers, covered in my juices and saying "eugh". Seemingly bored of this fantastic foreplay, he made movements towards penetrating me. I found a small voice squeak out "condom?!" and after he shrugged, saying he didn't have any, I grabbed my bag and tossed one at him. After he put it on, we fucked - as best he could when coked up to the eyes (which, in case you're wondering, isn't very fucking well) - before giving up. All in all, he'd spent more time trying to "get it in" than we'd spent actually fucking.

He asked for a blow job. I told him to fuck off, and went to sleep on the floor, as apparently he needed the sofa and the blanket to sleep.


I find it sort of impressive that I ended up loving sex so much after that first so-called shag. Admittedly, I could have done more, but truth be told, I was scared. While I think I'd have had a much more pleasurable experience had I lost my virginity to someone else, I never did regret "throwing it away" on a one night stand. The concept of virginity wasn't a big deal to me, in all honesty. The thing that stuck with me though, was feeling alone afterwards. Feeling more like a wank toy than a person.

He didn't (to my knowledge) know that I was a virgin. I'd taken the liberty, years in advance of the event, of masturbating, and slowly moving through sizes of vibrators that meant when the time came, I didn't have to "admit" to my virginal status.

In hindsight, I actually think that may be the saddest thing about the whole episode.

I don't entirely know why I'm sharing this, but I feel I need to. Young people; you do not need to be in love when you first fuck. But make sure it's with someone who wants to make sure you have a great time, and who makes you feel like an amazing person. Don't settle for anything less.

NK x

*ps - this also led to my theorising that it may be possible that for the bulk of the population, you either get to be a good kisser or a good lay.

Thursday, 20 January 2011

BDSM and Me – Part 6: Morality and Desire.

This is part 6 of a 15 part series I've been answering. There's been a bit of a hiatus due to the move, but I intend to answer the rest in a relatively timely manner! Click here to see the full list.


In BDSM do you have needs and desires that you feel are wrong or immoral?

What possible seperates me from many of those who may have answered this question previously is that by comparison to how much I know/think etc of the fetish scene, of BDSM and kinks in general, I have fairly little experience. That's not exactly through choice.

For me, though, as is a lot of peoples' experience with sexual and kink related issues, it's still a journey of discovery. Even lately I'm still finding things that I might not have once expressed an interest in, that now seem to hold appeal. It's taken me a long time to be comfortable with my sexuality afterall, so it makes a lot of sense that the kink side would be the same up to a point.

When I was younger - and I think I've mentioned this before - I would masturbate and then get terrible post-wank-guilt. Looking back it seems ridiculous, but it's true. It took easily a good few years to get past that - but I have to say, I'm glad I did! Obviously, I was vaguely aware that some people had fetishes and kinks, but in an abstract way. I don't think I correlated some early experiences of mine to BDSM elements, but they're stories for another day.

Once I was introduced in a more personal sense to BDSM, I remained fairly passive for quite some time - in that what a partner wanted I would listen to, and perhaps do, but my own needs were seldom thought about. I feel I should clarify though, that a lot of my own needs, had I been listening to them, were the same things that were already happening. There were still, though, some practices that seemed appealing, but that I declined due to my own negative body image. Being invited to partake in some (clothed) bondage modelling springs to mind!

In much more recent times, by comparison, I have been very open in my own mind to the idea of being turned on and stimulated by the majority of things (in an "it's possible, think about it" sense) - and find that with a little thought and daydream, I seem to have a lot of potential kinks. I'm lucky, I think, that these days I don't feel guilty or dirty because of my kinks or my wider sexuality. I don't feel that BDSM is immoral or wrong, and more than eating a banana is wrong - if you like bananas, eat them... just don't shove them in the mouth of a person who can't stand 'em! ;) [aka SSC, kids].

Writing this has got me thinking though. Is there perhaps a part of me that is a little ashamed of some of my kinks, or maybe the volume of kinks? I only wonder because there are many I haven't discussed with the Mr. It could be that, or it could be that we're generally really poor communicators (which we are - let's skip over that irony, yeah?).

I'm off to ponder this some more.

NK x