When you're a teenager, your virginity, and its state of intact-ness (or not) is a pretty huge deal. Everyone's talking about sex. People are saying they have done it (when they haven't) and that they haven't (when they have). Whatever you choose to tell people is, ultimately your own business, but there's no denying the pressure that's there.
When I look back at my mid-teen years, I don't think I cared too much what others thought of me. At least, I can name a lot of other girls in my school who seemed to care more. Perhaps what that really came down to was that my core group of friends (the outcast metal kids, mostly) was a lot smaller - so while I cared what they thought, the school body as a whole could pretty much get stuffed.
By the time I was 16 and in FE college, though, it started to feel like I was really left behind. All my close friends had done it, and most of them were doing "it" on an ongoing basis! But not me. When I turned 17 (yes, we were naughty!), we went out for my birthday. We started in a few fairly trendy bars, then at the end of the night I'd promised we could finish off in a rock club. I was dreading it, because I really wasn't into rock music at all.
As it turned out, rock and metal is kinda awesome.
To cut a long story short, I found myself a regular on the rock scene locally, and one weekend met a guy who was more than a little interested in me. I've always been a tall girl, but he towered over me. There was something in that which really appealed to me. He also turned out to be a really good kisser*.
The following monday (student night), we met again in the same club. By the end of the night we were back at my (then) best friend's house. We stayed in the spare room, which didn't have a bed, but a sofa. Floorspace was limited too, so that was out of the question. As my "companion" had seemingly been enjoying some... naughty salt... he barely knew what the hell was going on around him. Finding myself half naked (my skirt stayed on. Not for the hotness of a pulled up skirt or anything. I just had no self confidence) under him, being fingered. I'd grown wet (it reall has never taken that much to get me wet) and vividly remember him pulling out his fingers, covered in my juices and saying "eugh". Seemingly bored of this fantastic foreplay, he made movements towards penetrating me. I found a small voice squeak out "condom?!" and after he shrugged, saying he didn't have any, I grabbed my bag and tossed one at him. After he put it on, we fucked - as best he could when coked up to the eyes (which, in case you're wondering, isn't very fucking well) - before giving up. All in all, he'd spent more time trying to "get it in" than we'd spent actually fucking.
He asked for a blow job. I told him to fuck off, and went to sleep on the floor, as apparently he needed the sofa and the blanket to sleep.
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I find it sort of impressive that I ended up loving sex so much after that first so-called shag. Admittedly, I could have done more, but truth be told, I was scared. While I think I'd have had a much more pleasurable experience had I lost my virginity to someone else, I never did regret "throwing it away" on a one night stand. The concept of virginity wasn't a big deal to me, in all honesty. The thing that stuck with me though, was feeling alone afterwards. Feeling more like a wank toy than a person.
He didn't (to my knowledge) know that I was a virgin. I'd taken the liberty, years in advance of the event, of masturbating, and slowly moving through sizes of vibrators that meant when the time came, I didn't have to "admit" to my virginal status.
In hindsight, I actually think that may be the saddest thing about the whole episode.
I don't entirely know why I'm sharing this, but I feel I need to. Young people; you do not need to be in love when you first fuck. But make sure it's with someone who wants to make sure you have a great time, and who makes you feel like an amazing person. Don't settle for anything less.
NK x
*ps - this also led to my theorising that it may be possible that for the bulk of the population, you either get to be a good kisser or a good lay.
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