On Shifting Goalposts and Awesome Boyfriends.

 

First of all, as a side-note, I should be working. I know that. I will be soon, but this all needs to come out of my head if there is even a chance of that happening... Which it really needs to!

I saw the map shown above on another blog post an absolute age ago in a round-up of things the blogger had found, and bookmarked it. I found it interesting, especially as I'd always considered R and I to be mono... But the graphic saw things differently. At the time, our arrangement was that I was allowed to engage in non-sex kink play with friends, as R is less into kink than I am. What interested me especially about the placement of arrangements onto that map was that "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex and no emotional connection" was classified as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy" but did not get defined as a form of poly... whereas the description of "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex" (but allowing for emotional connection) found itself in "Polyamorous relationships" as well as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy".

Now, when looking at this at the time, I found that slightly odd, because I guess I didn't really see our arrangement as being poly-ish at all. But then, personally, I think I would struggle to engage in BDSM or D/s play with anyone I didn't have at least some form of emotional connection with.

Now, the more interesting stuff!

This weekend has been... Interesting. Lately, I've struggled a little. I've been comfortable with my sexuality for a long time and that hasn't exactly changed, but I do find being bisexual I get shifts in where my preferences lie, and while I always do like both, there are times I swing far more towards women. Add on to that, that I haven't been near a woman in a sexual sense in probably about 3 or 4 years... Frustration. On top of that I had begun to feel distant from R because of my mind being all girl-obsessed at the moment. In turn, this meant I felt guilty as sin for it. Now, I know that's not useful or sensible, but it was how I felt.

On explaining all of this to him, R's response was (and I quote) "Go for it". Not the answer I'd expected. After a whole lot more talking across the course of two nights (for some reason, our communication seems to improve once we hit the sack... probably because my communication improves, so I just demand conversations!) we have established what have now been termed as "All new and improved, sparkly goalposts. Some might even say shiney".

The upshot is:

• R and I still love each other very much and that comes in ahead of ANYTHING else. He knows to say if he feels differently ever about anything, and any little 'eeps' should be mentioned, because I would hate to do anything to ever hurt him.
• He is totally fine with me having what has been termed "girl fun".
• He must be told before anything happens, and has (an unlikely to be used) right of veto.

I think that's everything. So, yeah, I'm still trying to sort out my own headspace from that.

NK x

The World Needs More Buck Angels.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIaKb1Xx3Pc

I just watched this video. It's not actually all that new, being from July 2010, but Buck linked it up in Twitter, so I gave it a look.

For me, his talk really demonstrates why I feel as though if more people in the world were doing what Buck is, the world would be a better place. Having himself gone through 28 whole years effectively waiting for his life to start, hoping and wishing that he could be who he truly was, his whole aim now is to make sure that doesn't happen to other people.

As he says in the video, life is short, and for some people the most debilitating thing they have to deal with is actually society's judgements on them. For whatever reason, it can be hard to be who you really are, and be open about who that person is. Whether it's down to your gender identity, your sexuality, or a whole host of other issues, society's judgement on you affects how you live in a much more profound way than a lot of people realise.

While I've always identified as being female, I don't always agree with societal norms as to what that should mean. Likewise, growing up, I knew I didn't just fancy boys. In my teen years, this became a conscious bisexuality, but in later teens and into more recent times, I've really began to understand that for me, attraction has no basis in gender. I like guys. I like girls. I like people who don't fit into binary gender, and those who reject the concept outright. For me, attraction is based on how attractive I find the person. Simple, really.

Overall I guess I just wanted to take a moment to really shout out that Buck Angel is a hero of mine, and in my opinion, one of the most amazing people on the planet. (And, admittedly, fucking gorgeous!)

NK x

P.S. - One request. Spare the time in your life to watch the video. It's worth it.

Stephen Fry and the Media's Sense of Humour Fail.

Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From James UK on Flickr

So, Stephen Fry is at the centre of another debate today - and has, again, decided to switch off from the Twitterverse for the time being. While it could be read as a strop (and I'm sure some will read it that way), it could also be seen in the context of being tired of constant battering as soon as someone has something to say - and in the case of an article such as this - many do, and have. 

The article, based off an interview given to Attitude magazine, is at the core of the issue. Fry is quoted as saying that he "feels sorry for straight men" as "The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want. They want a boyfriend and then they want commitment."

It should be noted that, on twitter, he has pointed out that the interview was given in a humourous manner (see above), and that has now been misquoted twice over. For that, I feel pretty sorry for him. Attitude, being a gay lifestyle magazine, would likely feel like a place of some security, to be able to joke comfortably about sexuality and gender differences, without being crucified for it. Apparently not. 

Don't get me wrong here. I disagree with Stephen's comments, presuming they're meant somewhat seriously, which I don't believe them to be. So in that respect I find it hard to get annoyed. 

I disagree emphatically with the comment:

“Of course a lot of women will deny this and say, ‘Oh, no, but I love sex, I love it!’ But do they go around having it the way that gay men do?"

I don't see a great deal of difference between my gay, straight, bi and pan friends in their sexual behaviours. None of my friends use cruising areas, regardless of their sexuality. I also don't honestly see a particular difference in sex drive down to sexuality either. For example, a gay friend of mine likes sex, but he's not that bothered. For him, it's very much the relationship that matters - in that he'd rather have a sexless long term relationship than flings or one night stands with amazing sex. 

I'm a bisexual woman, and my partner is a straight man. My sex drive is much higher. No, I don't go cruising. We don't swing, or go dogging. None of that means I have any less of a sex drive or more. 

On average though, men do think about sex more than women. Or, rather, men are willing to state that they think of sex more often than women are willing to state they do. The Kinsey Institute found that 54% of men said they thought of sex at least once a day, comparing to 19% of women. I know I fit within that 19% but I recognise that it's a trait linked more to males than females, and that's okay. 

I don't believe that diminishes female sexuality or suggests that men have 'more' sexuality than women, nor does it imply anything else about an individual's sexuality or sexual identity. It works in broad numbers, as does Mr Fry's comments. Add that to the intended humour of the situation, and I'm left feeling far more for him, in that as a well known celebrity, you really can't get away with a joke. 

I'm not offended, and I hope he gets a break soon! 

NK x

Not Straight, Not Gay; On Coming Out as Bisexual.

Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From salanki on Flickr

So, I suspect everyone here already knows I am bisexual. It wasn't always that way of course.

I remember being a lot younger and having some difficulty with my sexuality. It never bothered me that I seemed to like girls in the same way I liked boys, but I was very aware that it would bother my classmates, so it generally wasn't discussed. Sexuality as a whole in teenage years tends not to be celebrated but instead dealt with in a very childish way, and often (I have found) in a very male-serving sense. As if the only way it was okay to be doing 'stuff' was really for a boy. That spilled over into the common logic at school that "of course boys wank" but if a girl were to admit that she also engaged in self pleasure, she'd have been the subject of ridicule for a very long time indeed. Female sexuality = not cool at school. Not, at least, in the schools I attended.

Of course, then at 16 I left high school, and moved up to a sixth form college in a city nearby. By 17 I had been introduced to the rock scene and remember meeting Kim* quite early in my fledgeling rock chick era. My friend introduced us, and as she had been introduced to me as gay from the outset I had no doubt. Not that I suspect I would have, if my friend had been more discrete.

Kim had long hair, a rich brown colour. She dressed fairly butch, and having been to an interview that day, was wearing black trousers, a white shirt and a tie. I remember noticing how the masculinity of the outfit and particularly the tie contrasted with her exquisitely feminine curves, the tie jutting out over her voluptuous breasts. 

I remember her laughing and whilst playing around, jumping ontop of my knees, straddling me as I sat, proclaiming "You're mine now!". I remember even more vividly, thinking "Oh God, yes please."


En route to my friend's house for a night out the following week, mid arguement with my Mum, I blurted out that the "bisexuals" she was judging included her daughter. We agreed nothing need be said to my Dad unless I got a girlfriend. While I felt, in many ways, this diminished the significance of my sexuality, and left me feeling half-in and half-out of the closet, I also knew telling my Dad would be a lot different than admitting the truth to my Mum.


Eventually, I did get my way with Kim. I remember the look of shock on my friends' faces as our first kiss ended, on the dance floor. In hindsight I don't think I'd ever mentioned how into Kim I was. Sure, my mates were aware I was bi, but actually acting on it...? I think that surprised them. 


(I have realised I may have to blog seperately about that kiss. Mmm. Yes, I think I do need to.)


I was a total chicken in telling my Dad too. He'd helped me make some jewellery for Kim's birthday and I started out by saying how much I'd appreciated his help, as she'd loved the piece. He was so pleased it had been a success... So I struck... "Kim's not my friend... She's my girlfriend."


He took a couple of repeats before it sunk in. And then he let out a small giggle, and said "Dear me". 


I don't know what I was expecting, but I know that wasn't it. 


Years on of course, and I'm in a straight, long term relationship. Somehow, I think I've finally convinced my Mum that being bisexual wasn't a "phase", nor am I now "straight". My Dad and I however, don't discuss it. We never have since then. Sometimes that gets to me, but then I remember that there are just a lot of things that my Dad and I aren't open about in the way that my Mum and I are. And that's okay. 


The upshot of all of this is, that even though it might have been nerve-wracking, involved some awkward conversations, and still be a slight bone of contention years later, it was worth it. For my parents to know that no matter how turbulent our relationship may have been, that Kim did exist, and I did feel for her exactly what I may otherwise feel for a man, or a different woman. 


If you are bisexual, gay, or otherwise somewhere on the queer spectrum, I wish you the very best of luck in your coming out ventures, whether they be soon or far off. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. (nymphetaminekiss AT googlemail DOT com)


NK x

Why Gordon Brown Made Me Rant.

You may have read the title and been surprised at the political nature. Firstly, anyone who has me added to twitter (I'm @NymphetamineKis) will probably know what I'm like. I'm very political, but this post isn't exactly about politics, more public speaking, perhaps.

I found myself ranting at the TV the other night when R and I watched the second leaders debate. Brown used the phrase "Gay or straight". Some will say that this sparking my annoyance is my pettiness or me being overly sensitive, but to me it is reinforcement of a society-wide tenancy to expect sexuality to neatly fit in one of two boxes. I posted about non-binary sexuality acceptance (or lack thereof) at EdenCafe a while ago in a post titled The Best of Both Worlds or Lost in Limbo? You may want to go have a look at the full post there if you have the time and are interested in sexual identity.

Now, I've already written at some length about why I feel society as a whole needs to start including those of us who tick the 'none of the above' box in the gay/straight category.

The thing is, I really feel that the only way to herald any kind of change in societies sexuality lexicon, comes through examples and setting the standard of what is the norm. A little like we wouldn't simply pick out two subgroups from all ethnic minorities, but rather would refer to ethnic minorities in the most inclusive terminology possible, we need to start including those who are neither and both in sexuality.

Alterations in terminology from the top (so to speak) are what could help bring society's perception of non binary sexuality away from the 'teenage/confused/phase' logic, and into the realm of validity.

So, Gordon. Please stop leaving me out. It makes me wonder if you think I don't exist, or simply don't matter.

NK x