On Shifting Goalposts and Awesome Boyfriends.

 

First of all, as a side-note, I should be working. I know that. I will be soon, but this all needs to come out of my head if there is even a chance of that happening... Which it really needs to!

I saw the map shown above on another blog post an absolute age ago in a round-up of things the blogger had found, and bookmarked it. I found it interesting, especially as I'd always considered R and I to be mono... But the graphic saw things differently. At the time, our arrangement was that I was allowed to engage in non-sex kink play with friends, as R is less into kink than I am. What interested me especially about the placement of arrangements onto that map was that "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex and no emotional connection" was classified as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy" but did not get defined as a form of poly... whereas the description of "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex" (but allowing for emotional connection) found itself in "Polyamorous relationships" as well as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy".

Now, when looking at this at the time, I found that slightly odd, because I guess I didn't really see our arrangement as being poly-ish at all. But then, personally, I think I would struggle to engage in BDSM or D/s play with anyone I didn't have at least some form of emotional connection with.

Now, the more interesting stuff!

This weekend has been... Interesting. Lately, I've struggled a little. I've been comfortable with my sexuality for a long time and that hasn't exactly changed, but I do find being bisexual I get shifts in where my preferences lie, and while I always do like both, there are times I swing far more towards women. Add on to that, that I haven't been near a woman in a sexual sense in probably about 3 or 4 years... Frustration. On top of that I had begun to feel distant from R because of my mind being all girl-obsessed at the moment. In turn, this meant I felt guilty as sin for it. Now, I know that's not useful or sensible, but it was how I felt.

On explaining all of this to him, R's response was (and I quote) "Go for it". Not the answer I'd expected. After a whole lot more talking across the course of two nights (for some reason, our communication seems to improve once we hit the sack... probably because my communication improves, so I just demand conversations!) we have established what have now been termed as "All new and improved, sparkly goalposts. Some might even say shiney".

The upshot is:

• R and I still love each other very much and that comes in ahead of ANYTHING else. He knows to say if he feels differently ever about anything, and any little 'eeps' should be mentioned, because I would hate to do anything to ever hurt him.
• He is totally fine with me having what has been termed "girl fun".
• He must be told before anything happens, and has (an unlikely to be used) right of veto.

I think that's everything. So, yeah, I'm still trying to sort out my own headspace from that.

NK x

BDSM and Me – Part 6: Morality and Desire.

This is part 6 of a 15 part series I've been answering. There's been a bit of a hiatus due to the move, but I intend to answer the rest in a relatively timely manner! Click here to see the full list.

 

Creative Commons // Flickr

In BDSM do you have needs and desires that you feel are wrong or immoral?

What possible seperates me from many of those who may have answered this question previously is that by comparison to how much I know/think etc of the fetish scene, of BDSM and kinks in general, I have fairly little experience. That's not exactly through choice.

For me, though, as is a lot of peoples' experience with sexual and kink related issues, it's still a journey of discovery. Even lately I'm still finding things that I might not have once expressed an interest in, that now seem to hold appeal. It's taken me a long time to be comfortable with my sexuality afterall, so it makes a lot of sense that the kink side would be the same up to a point.

When I was younger - and I think I've mentioned this before - I would masturbate and then get terrible post-wank-guilt. Looking back it seems ridiculous, but it's true. It took easily a good few years to get past that - but I have to say, I'm glad I did! Obviously, I was vaguely aware that some people had fetishes and kinks, but in an abstract way. I don't think I correlated some early experiences of mine to BDSM elements, but they're stories for another day.

Once I was introduced in a more personal sense to BDSM, I remained fairly passive for quite some time - in that what a partner wanted I would listen to, and perhaps do, but my own needs were seldom thought about. I feel I should clarify though, that a lot of my own needs, had I been listening to them, were the same things that were already happening. There were still, though, some practices that seemed appealing, but that I declined due to my own negative body image. Being invited to partake in some (clothed) bondage modelling springs to mind!

In much more recent times, by comparison, I have been very open in my own mind to the idea of being turned on and stimulated by the majority of things (in an "it's possible, think about it" sense) - and find that with a little thought and daydream, I seem to have a lot of potential kinks. I'm lucky, I think, that these days I don't feel guilty or dirty because of my kinks or my wider sexuality. I don't feel that BDSM is immoral or wrong, and more than eating a banana is wrong - if you like bananas, eat them... just don't shove them in the mouth of a person who can't stand 'em! ;) [aka SSC, kids].

Writing this has got me thinking though. Is there perhaps a part of me that is a little ashamed of some of my kinks, or maybe the volume of kinks? I only wonder because there are many I haven't discussed with the Mr. It could be that, or it could be that we're generally really poor communicators (which we are - let's skip over that irony, yeah?).

I'm off to ponder this some more.

NK x

BDSM and Me – Part 2: Giving Up?

Today I'm answering the second in a fifteen part series of questions I blogged about here.

Would you sacrifice your kinks and fetishes if you could have only conventional sexual needs?

I think one important thing to look at in this question is the recognition of kink and fetish as a part of sexual need, often as much as sex itself. I feel this is often misunderstood in itself. I have heard some people classify something as a fetish only when it is needed for any sexual pleasure, or that a kink or fetish can only be qualified as a need when it is integral to getting off at all.

For me, a good plain fucking can be really satisfying. There are days when that is brilliant. But for me they aren't enough on their own, over the long term.

It's not been a short process though, to get myself to the point that I can recognise it is a real, valid need within myself, and is as significant as my sex drive - I tend to liken it to a 'kink drive'. For a long time I saw it as something I'd had brief involvements with and liked, but if I got it, I got it and if not that was okay. I think a lot of that was attributed to the fact that (roughly at the same time) I had one relationship that was very kink-heavy, but a complete mindfuck and very bad for me, and one that was... well actually, he was as bad for me as she was... but the (vanilla) sex was very good...

So for a long time I think I began to equate BDSM in my own mind with excuses to treat me like shit. Eventually of course I broke that link, after realising that 'nilla partners had also behaved really poorly towards me, and also that the kink does not define the person or the behaviour.

It's hard to answer a question that is by it's nature, so hypothetical, but I don't think I would. At least not entirely. Maybe a lower kink drive (and sex drive I guess) - hell if we're wishing for things I'll wish for R's to increase! That makes more sense! Returning to the question, no I don't think I would sacrifice my kinks and fetishes to have only conventional sexual needs and desires, as they are too much a part of who I identify as being now.

NK x