BDSM and Me – Part 6: Morality and Desire.

This is part 6 of a 15 part series I've been answering. There's been a bit of a hiatus due to the move, but I intend to answer the rest in a relatively timely manner! Click here to see the full list.

 

Creative Commons // Flickr

In BDSM do you have needs and desires that you feel are wrong or immoral?

What possible seperates me from many of those who may have answered this question previously is that by comparison to how much I know/think etc of the fetish scene, of BDSM and kinks in general, I have fairly little experience. That's not exactly through choice.

For me, though, as is a lot of peoples' experience with sexual and kink related issues, it's still a journey of discovery. Even lately I'm still finding things that I might not have once expressed an interest in, that now seem to hold appeal. It's taken me a long time to be comfortable with my sexuality afterall, so it makes a lot of sense that the kink side would be the same up to a point.

When I was younger - and I think I've mentioned this before - I would masturbate and then get terrible post-wank-guilt. Looking back it seems ridiculous, but it's true. It took easily a good few years to get past that - but I have to say, I'm glad I did! Obviously, I was vaguely aware that some people had fetishes and kinks, but in an abstract way. I don't think I correlated some early experiences of mine to BDSM elements, but they're stories for another day.

Once I was introduced in a more personal sense to BDSM, I remained fairly passive for quite some time - in that what a partner wanted I would listen to, and perhaps do, but my own needs were seldom thought about. I feel I should clarify though, that a lot of my own needs, had I been listening to them, were the same things that were already happening. There were still, though, some practices that seemed appealing, but that I declined due to my own negative body image. Being invited to partake in some (clothed) bondage modelling springs to mind!

In much more recent times, by comparison, I have been very open in my own mind to the idea of being turned on and stimulated by the majority of things (in an "it's possible, think about it" sense) - and find that with a little thought and daydream, I seem to have a lot of potential kinks. I'm lucky, I think, that these days I don't feel guilty or dirty because of my kinks or my wider sexuality. I don't feel that BDSM is immoral or wrong, and more than eating a banana is wrong - if you like bananas, eat them... just don't shove them in the mouth of a person who can't stand 'em! ;) [aka SSC, kids].

Writing this has got me thinking though. Is there perhaps a part of me that is a little ashamed of some of my kinks, or maybe the volume of kinks? I only wonder because there are many I haven't discussed with the Mr. It could be that, or it could be that we're generally really poor communicators (which we are - let's skip over that irony, yeah?).

I'm off to ponder this some more.

NK x

BDSM and Me - Part 5: Culture

This is part 5 in a 15 part series of questions I've been slowly working my way through for some time now. Click here to see the full list. 

What would you say have been (if any) mass and pop culture influences on your BDSM expectations, performance and desires?

Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From Bert23 www.aerosolplanet.com on Flickr

Right now, I find this a really interesting question. I switched degrees at University and I'm now studying on a programme that combines media and cultural studies; a course that I'm finding incredibly enjoyable and very "me".

Even defining popular culture is a huge undertaking however! (It must be if a professor at my University can somehow have managed to crank out five editions of a text book on media and popular culture!) I have 2000 words to write on just that!

However, overlooking the problems with the term itself, I'll attempt to answer this without veering off into essay mode!

Popular culture has for a long time, depicted kinksters and BDSMers as the "others", as the socially deviant, and at times morally questionable. I always found that hard to accept. From a fairly young age, the first sights of kink I was exposed to (I would suspect that was online!), I found to be an enlightening demonstration of self expression. For that reason, I always felt that I didn't understand the need for secrecy we find imposed upon us by society.

At the same time, however, I also suffered with masturbation guilt during my earlier years as a furtive wanker. It wasn't probably until I reached mid teens that I truly accepted self love as a source of pleasure and joy, rather than something to feel ashamed of afterwards.

Luckily, by the time I was introduced in the real world to kink, I was well and truly over my self pleasure shame!

Largely, I'd say I tend to avoid paying too much attention to what mainstream mass media has to say about fetish and kink, as the majority of it is nothing more or less than a caricature of reality; a distorted jumble of the seedier elements of what someone might have done to someone else, somewhere...

Saying that, though, I am a member of FetLife, and that could be easily classified as a sub-group within society, and of course, that makes it a smaller part of (admittedly "deviant") culture. I have learned a lot about other peoples' kinks and fetishes in the time I have been a member there, and it has helped me greatly in getting more involved with the local social kink scene.

Being involved to this small extent has meant that I feel I better understand what might happen at a BDSM club, or play party, and as such think I may yet find myself in attendence some day. Were it not for the influence of the online and real world communities I have encountered, I know that wouldn't be the case - it'd all be too intimidating for me.

As I have learned of more and different kinks and fantasies which other people hold, I have found my own kinks and potential kinks widening. Some years ago, for example, I might not have been as open to rimming as I am now (if you'll pardon the unintentional pun there!) - and I am so glad I am.

While I know that went on a bit, and I probably waffled on for far too long, I hope it explains a little of my influences.

NK x

BDSM and Me - Part 4: Kinky Clothing.

This is the fourth question in a series I'm answering all about my kinks. You can access the complete list here. 

Your thoughts on BDSM clothing: fun, too many stereotypes, too expensive, too uncomfortable, boring?

My opinion of fetish gear has evolved and changed over the years.

I'd go as far as to say that some years ago I had trouble understanding why there even WAS fetish clothing, outside of it being a specific fetish for some folk within the kinky community... I could understand if a person had a kink for a particular material or certain types of material... that made sense.But for a whole range of clothing to be deemed 'fetish'? And even more so, from my limited knowledge, fetish clubs often required you to wear fetish clothing even if that wasn't your kink? It didn't entirely add up for me.

Now, though, I'd say my opinion, and my understanding of it has changed.

Part of it is, undeniably, the psychology of kink. You feel different in certain clothes. Almost like a mindset-uniform. And yes, there are those for whom kink clothing is a fetish in its own right.

As for me, I do own a little PVC... Only one outfit so far but I do love it and hope to own more in the future. I wouldn't say PVC is a full-on fetish for me... yet... but I do feel very different when wearing it. I love the look of it, and it does feel more restrictive than a lot of clothing, which is enjoyable. No, it isn't something I'd want to spend every day in - and yes, I have far more comfortable attire in my wardrobe... But that's partly the point...

I do think there are a lot of cliches and stereotypes within kink clobber, but overall, I'd say that getting dressed up for an event can all be part of the fun and if it helps everyone get into the right frame of mind, then that's a positive. I'm happy to see, now that I know a little more, that most fet clubs do allow a wider range of attire than I'd previously thought, though. For some people, it's hard to get fetish clothing that fits, and even more so than that, there are those who really don't enjoy being shined up ;)

I must get around to wearing my pvc out some time.

NK x

BDSM and Me - Part 3: Play Partners.

Here I'll answer part three in my series BDSM and Me, the entire list can be accessed here...

Are you comfortable in engaging in BDSM play with more than one person at a time in your life?

(If that image makes no sense, look up the song ;) )

This is an interesting one, and one I think I've been putting off answering. I last talked about the issue I've been facing here - and I hoped to have made more headway on it by now.

In reality I still haven't exactly worked out where I am on the issue. As a quick recap, for those who didn't see that post, R and I have what can reasonably called a vanilla relationship. A discussion we had (holy shit) 3 weeks ago led to him mentioning he'd find it okay for me to play with kinky friends, in a non-sexual manner. (Which he already knows would never happen.)

Part of what is concerning me (hell, most of it) is the worry that it'd either feel like cheating for me, or that R would say, and perhaps think, he'd be alright with it, but in practice it'd be different. I do wonder if I'm being unfair in thinking that - I know he's more than capable of knowing his own mind and that he understands the difference.

In respect of play in it's own right happening with more than one person, I'm pretty certain that'd work well, and it wouldn't bother me at all... The only restriction to that is that I have to trust someone really well and have my own self confidence issues set well aside with that person before I can even consider play. Right now, I can say there's one person (putting aside R) who I can say with some certaintly I have that with.

So for now, my answer to the question is "I don't know". I think I am, but I have reservations - which I really want to work out in my own head and with R because I do have those needs and desires and it would be good to clear up my own head from this one.

NK x

BDSM and Me – Part 2: Giving Up?

Today I'm answering the second in a fifteen part series of questions I blogged about here.

Would you sacrifice your kinks and fetishes if you could have only conventional sexual needs?

I think one important thing to look at in this question is the recognition of kink and fetish as a part of sexual need, often as much as sex itself. I feel this is often misunderstood in itself. I have heard some people classify something as a fetish only when it is needed for any sexual pleasure, or that a kink or fetish can only be qualified as a need when it is integral to getting off at all.

For me, a good plain fucking can be really satisfying. There are days when that is brilliant. But for me they aren't enough on their own, over the long term.

It's not been a short process though, to get myself to the point that I can recognise it is a real, valid need within myself, and is as significant as my sex drive - I tend to liken it to a 'kink drive'. For a long time I saw it as something I'd had brief involvements with and liked, but if I got it, I got it and if not that was okay. I think a lot of that was attributed to the fact that (roughly at the same time) I had one relationship that was very kink-heavy, but a complete mindfuck and very bad for me, and one that was... well actually, he was as bad for me as she was... but the (vanilla) sex was very good...

So for a long time I think I began to equate BDSM in my own mind with excuses to treat me like shit. Eventually of course I broke that link, after realising that 'nilla partners had also behaved really poorly towards me, and also that the kink does not define the person or the behaviour.

It's hard to answer a question that is by it's nature, so hypothetical, but I don't think I would. At least not entirely. Maybe a lower kink drive (and sex drive I guess) - hell if we're wishing for things I'll wish for R's to increase! That makes more sense! Returning to the question, no I don't think I would sacrifice my kinks and fetishes to have only conventional sexual needs and desires, as they are too much a part of who I identify as being now.

NK x

BDSM and Me – Part 1: Roles.

Today I'm answering the first question from the series I'm currently partaking in; BDSM and Me.

What role(s) do you fit into within BDSM? If more than one, do you see one as your “primary” role?

I have always, since I first stumbled into kink, identified as a submissive. Even in my pre kink days, I'd always seek to be in the submissive role within sex, to be the person being told what to do, the fucked rather than the one in charge doing the fucking. Some people who know my kinky leanings are surprised as I can be quite bold in everyday life, and often take charge of situations; for me I wonder if it acts as a release or form of relaxation, to be told what to do and relinquish all control.

These days my submissive side is a little more certain than it used to be, and it's developed in many ways. From the little girl I was at 17 and the instinctive, almost primal responses I gave to those early spanks and wrist binds in rock clubs, to the sub I am now and the kinks I know I have now.

I've faced interesting dilemmas, especially recently, such as having a partner who is kinky, but not nearly to the same extent I am. It's probably only comparitively recently that I've realised I probably qualify as a bit of a masochist too, in that pain - in mild to moderate quantities - is really, really hot. I still say "mild-moderate" even though I'm the first person to say I don't believe something so innately subjective as pain can be quantified, because It's what, on my scale, is mild to moderate. On someone else's scale it would probably hurt like hell, and equally I could likely name a few friends who would laugh in the face of what I currently find to be nearing my limits!

I think that covers most elements of how I identify right now within BDSM and kink, but if you want to ask any questions feel free to comment here or fire away on my Formspring (you don't need to register). Likewise, follow me on Twitter and Facebook for regular updates and more of my wittering!

NK x

BDSM and Me: A 15 Part Series...

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