Friday 20 August 2010

BDSM and Me – Part 2: Giving Up?

Today I'm answering the second in a fifteen part series of questions I blogged about here.
Would you sacrifice your kinks and fetishes if you could have only conventional sexual needs?


I think one important thing to look at in this question is the recognition of kink and fetish as a part of sexual need, often as much as sex itself. I feel this is often misunderstood in itself. I have heard some people classify something as a fetish only when it is needed for any sexual pleasure, or that a kink or fetish can only be qualified as a need when it is integral to getting off at all.

For me, a good plain fucking can be really satisfying. There are days when that is brilliant. But for me they aren't enough on their own, over the long term.

It's not been a short process though, to get myself to the point that I can recognise it is a real, valid need within myself, and is as significant as my sex drive - I tend to liken it to a 'kink drive'. For a long time I saw it as something I'd had brief involvements with and liked, but if I got it, I got it and if not that was okay. I think a lot of that was attributed to the fact that (roughly at the same time) I had one relationship that was very kink-heavy, but a complete mindfuck and very bad for me, and one that was... well actually, he was as bad for me as she was... but the (vanilla) sex was very good...

So for a long time I think I began to equate BDSM in my own mind with excuses to treat me like shit. Eventually of course I broke that link, after realising that 'nilla partners had also behaved really poorly towards me, and also that the kink does not define the person or the behaviour.

It's hard to answer a question that is by it's nature, so hypothetical, but I don't think I would. At least not entirely. Maybe a lower kink drive (and sex drive I guess) - hell if we're wishing for things I'll wish for R's to increase! That makes more sense! Returning to the question, no I don't think I would sacrifice my kinks and fetishes to have only conventional sexual needs and desires, as they are too much a part of who I identify as being now.

NK x

3 comments:

Lilly Goode said...

That's my girl! ;) Good post! xx

LivingFire said...

Thank you! :) xx

BDSM and Me: A 15 Part Series… said...

[...] 2. Would you sacrifice your kinks and fetishes if you could have only conventional sexual needs? [...]