Why Define by Difference?

 

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A monogamist look at polyamory, compersion and all things non-monogamous, and how we need to move past a binary perspective... Or in other words: here be a rant.

Mr NK and I are monogamous. Exclusive. Whatever you want to call it. We've been together for almost two and a half years, and have always been mono (Does that sound like I'm talking about us being a disease to the American folks reading? Hmm).

Up until just over a year ago, I'd say I had limited (non-online) knowledge of polyamory. Then I joined FetLife. Ah, the innocent and naive! Don't get me wrong here, I was aware of the concepts, and knew of people online who were involved in varying forms of non-monogamy, and had no problem or confusion about that. However, none of my "real world" (Ack, I hate that term) friends were polyamorous, and while I would occasionally stumble upon references to polyamorous relationships in blog posts or articles online, I didn't really actively look at the issues at play, simply because it didn't really involve me.

These days, the generally awesome girltype I'd probably class as my best friend is polyamorous, and holds it as something quite important to her. Much as sexuality is key to a person, to be polyamorous is to her, a core attribute (Lilly, correct my post if this sounds wrong to you - and if so, please accept my apologies and boobs for make-up flashing). Between our talks and reading around what other people have to say on the subject, both in poly and mono based boards on FL, there are some things that have been getting on my nerves somewhat. I guess the most accurate way to put them would be sweeping generalisations, and while I tend to logic that they're normally based in a degree of reality, I feel they've become so prevalent, so stated-as-truth, that I need to set a few things straight. These are my truths. They may not be everyones'. YMMV etc.

With that, on to my gripes!

• Monogamous people are innately jealous

Right... Except, that's about as founded in reality as saying "blondes are dumb". Sure, some are, I'm sure. Hell, we all have our moments. But not always. In my case, I'd say I occasionally am. It tends to relate far more to times when I feel the balance is out of whack and I'm not having my needs met, though, rather than some irrational, paranoid girlfriend moment.

• Monogamous people don't "get" compersion

I can't speak for all mono types here, but I do. I can grasp the concept of deriving happiness from my partner's pleasure/happiness of his own. I'm not going to pretend there wouldn't be occasional wibble-moments, but I actually do get it. I guess the best way to explain it is that it doesn't feel like some kind of crazy, alien concept to me.

• Monogamous people are in denial about their needs being met (or rather, not being met) by a single person.

Maybe some are. Sure, I hear couples talking about how they're just perfect. How everything "fits" and that the other person is everything and does everything they could have ever wanted or needed. If that is the case, then that's great. I suspect, though, that for some, who they're trying to convince is questionable. For me, Mr NK probably doesn't meet everything I could possibly desire. Firstly, I'm bisexual. Personal opinion here, but I think any person who is bisexual and says they don't, from time to time (or more) think about fucking a person of differing gender status to the person they are with is full of shit. I know I do. Second of all, I'm kinkier than Mr NK is. We're lucky that I'm subby and he's naturally Dom but he could pretty much take or leave kink, and has limited interest in extended participation (think fet events, full scenes etc).

There are some interesting suggestions being hurled from the other side of the fence too though...

• Poly people aren't in Twoo Love(tm).

Oh puh-lease. This one's getting old already. I know of some very loving couples, triads, groups etc who have non-monogamous relationships.

• Poly is an excuse for cheating

I'm not going to deny there are, I'm sure, some folks who go into it so that they can fuck around and avoid hassle. But from the relationships I've witnessed, that really isn't what's going on. And yes, in a great many poly models of relationships, it is possible to be (or feel) cheated on. In all hinges on transparency and trust, y'know?

I can't pretend I can be the best answer of any shit-slinging at polyamory, but it makes me flinch to hear mono people saying (uninformed) negative things about different types of relationship. Besides, if I'd only mentioned what I've heard poly posters say about the mono lot, it might have seemed a little... inbalanced!

My point of all of this is that our differences are less significant than our similarities. We're all in relationships to express our love for another person/people. We're all (mostly) conducting our relationships according to whatever model is working for us. I'd even say we all want largely similar things; to have our needs met and meet the needs (both wherever possible) of the others in our lives, to love and be loved, and to be happy. Why must we continue to define by difference, rather than embracing the whole range of similarity and difference in our relationships as a positive thing? I'm sick of seeing the stirring, truth be told.

Please, comment back, tweet me... generally, I want to know what you think about it all.

NK x

Review: Cal Exotics "Shane's World" Sorority Party Vibe - Nooner

 

Cal Exotics sent me this for review this month, and I have to admit a little cringe did sneak onto my face when I first set eyes on the packaging. The words "sorority party vibe" just jumped out at me - and not in a good way.

You may think "well, what's the matter, it's the toy that's important, right?", and I agree it is the most important aspect of the product, but I really feel that poor packaging lets a toy down, it can make all the difference to whether or not you'd give the toy as a gift, and I'd even argue that really tacky packaging (like this) does a lot to keep sex toys in the realm of dirty, seedy things. Bad! ><

Onto the toy though, and I was pleased to see it only needs a single AA battery, which was really easy to fit - twist off the cap, pop the battery in, and replace the cap. The controls are as simple, as the multi-speed vibe works off a twist mechanism - the purple pointer bit you see in the picture is your speed selector/on-off switch.

The speed levels are noticably different - something I've found not to always be the case with twist cap vibrators, and go from a low, rumbly feeling buzz to a much higher pitched, bullet like feel. The great news is that the vibes do carry to the end of the toy, as I found when using this for clit stimulation. The handy thing about it not being a bullet (other than not needing fiddly batteries) is that you don't get the vibrations wizzing up into your hand during use (something that bugs me when using many bullets).

 

Like much of the current Cal Exotics range, it has a silky "velvet cote" finish, which feels great. It boasts being waterproof, something that I haven't actually tried myself, so can't comment on.I was pleased to see though, that this is a seamless vibe, making it smooth all over. I was sent the purple one, but the vibe also comes in pink (of course) and a bright, lime green (er, right).

The biggest bugbear I had with this vibe during use was the fact that I found myself knocking the twist control, just through the way I was holding it, meaning it kept dropping to a lower setting, which was kinda offputting! I'm not generally very tollerant of vibrators I have to consciously think about how to hold the whole way through as really, I don't feel like that's what self pleasure should be about.

It was disappointing to have those issues with the twist cap, because ignoring that, the vibe itself is enjoyable - the vibration settings offer something for almost everyone, and the vibes carry really well into the clit. Used for penetration, I'd suggest it for days when you don't want a challenge, or perhaps for beginners or those using with wary partners - it's not in the least bit intimidating (being 4.75" insertable).

All in all, a vibe that is fundamentally enjoyable, but with a flaw. And horrid packaging. Still a good little intro vibe, and cheap and easy to run.

NK x

The World Needs More Buck Angels.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UIaKb1Xx3Pc

I just watched this video. It's not actually all that new, being from July 2010, but Buck linked it up in Twitter, so I gave it a look.

For me, his talk really demonstrates why I feel as though if more people in the world were doing what Buck is, the world would be a better place. Having himself gone through 28 whole years effectively waiting for his life to start, hoping and wishing that he could be who he truly was, his whole aim now is to make sure that doesn't happen to other people.

As he says in the video, life is short, and for some people the most debilitating thing they have to deal with is actually society's judgements on them. For whatever reason, it can be hard to be who you really are, and be open about who that person is. Whether it's down to your gender identity, your sexuality, or a whole host of other issues, society's judgement on you affects how you live in a much more profound way than a lot of people realise.

While I've always identified as being female, I don't always agree with societal norms as to what that should mean. Likewise, growing up, I knew I didn't just fancy boys. In my teen years, this became a conscious bisexuality, but in later teens and into more recent times, I've really began to understand that for me, attraction has no basis in gender. I like guys. I like girls. I like people who don't fit into binary gender, and those who reject the concept outright. For me, attraction is based on how attractive I find the person. Simple, really.

Overall I guess I just wanted to take a moment to really shout out that Buck Angel is a hero of mine, and in my opinion, one of the most amazing people on the planet. (And, admittedly, fucking gorgeous!)

NK x

P.S. - One request. Spare the time in your life to watch the video. It's worth it.

Backstories: First Time...

 

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When you're a teenager, your virginity, and its state of intact-ness (or not) is a pretty huge deal. Everyone's talking about sex. People are saying they have done it (when they haven't) and that they haven't (when they have). Whatever you choose to tell people is, ultimately your own business, but there's no denying the pressure that's there.

When I look back at my mid-teen years, I don't think I cared too much what others thought of me. At least, I can name a lot of other girls in my school who seemed to care more. Perhaps what that really came down to was that my core group of friends (the outcast metal kids, mostly) was a lot smaller - so while I cared what they thought, the school body as a whole could pretty much get stuffed.

By the time I was 16 and in FE college, though, it started to feel like I was really left behind. All my close friends had done it, and most of them were doing "it" on an ongoing basis! But not me. When I turned 17 (yes, we were naughty!), we went out for my birthday. We started in a few fairly trendy bars, then at the end of the night I'd promised we could finish off in a rock club. I was dreading it, because I really wasn't into rock music at all.

As it turned out, rock and metal is kinda awesome.

To cut a long story short, I found myself a regular on the rock scene locally, and one weekend met a guy who was more than a little interested in me. I've always been a tall girl, but he towered over me. There was something in that which really appealed to me. He also turned out to be a really good kisser*.

The following monday (student night), we met again in the same club. By the end of the night we were back at my (then) best friend's house. We stayed in the spare room, which didn't have a bed, but a sofa. Floorspace was limited too, so that was out of the question. As my "companion" had seemingly been enjoying some... naughty salt... he barely knew what the hell was going on around him. Finding myself half naked (my skirt stayed on. Not for the hotness of a pulled up skirt or anything. I just had no self confidence) under him, being fingered. I'd grown wet (it reall has never taken that much to get me wet) and vividly remember him pulling out his fingers, covered in my juices and saying "eugh". Seemingly bored of this fantastic foreplay, he made movements towards penetrating me. I found a small voice squeak out "condom?!" and after he shrugged, saying he didn't have any, I grabbed my bag and tossed one at him. After he put it on, we fucked - as best he could when coked up to the eyes (which, in case you're wondering, isn't very fucking well) - before giving up. All in all, he'd spent more time trying to "get it in" than we'd spent actually fucking.

He asked for a blow job. I told him to fuck off, and went to sleep on the floor, as apparently he needed the sofa and the blanket to sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I find it sort of impressive that I ended up loving sex so much after that first so-called shag. Admittedly, I could have done more, but truth be told, I was scared. While I think I'd have had a much more pleasurable experience had I lost my virginity to someone else, I never did regret "throwing it away" on a one night stand. The concept of virginity wasn't a big deal to me, in all honesty. The thing that stuck with me though, was feeling alone afterwards. Feeling more like a wank toy than a person.

He didn't (to my knowledge) know that I was a virgin. I'd taken the liberty, years in advance of the event, of masturbating, and slowly moving through sizes of vibrators that meant when the time came, I didn't have to "admit" to my virginal status.

In hindsight, I actually think that may be the saddest thing about the whole episode.

I don't entirely know why I'm sharing this, but I feel I need to. Young people; you do not need to be in love when you first fuck. But make sure it's with someone who wants to make sure you have a great time, and who makes you feel like an amazing person. Don't settle for anything less.

NK x

*ps - this also led to my theorising that it may be possible that for the bulk of the population, you either get to be a good kisser or a good lay.

BDSM and Me – Part 6: Morality and Desire.

This is part 6 of a 15 part series I've been answering. There's been a bit of a hiatus due to the move, but I intend to answer the rest in a relatively timely manner! Click here to see the full list.

 

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In BDSM do you have needs and desires that you feel are wrong or immoral?

What possible seperates me from many of those who may have answered this question previously is that by comparison to how much I know/think etc of the fetish scene, of BDSM and kinks in general, I have fairly little experience. That's not exactly through choice.

For me, though, as is a lot of peoples' experience with sexual and kink related issues, it's still a journey of discovery. Even lately I'm still finding things that I might not have once expressed an interest in, that now seem to hold appeal. It's taken me a long time to be comfortable with my sexuality afterall, so it makes a lot of sense that the kink side would be the same up to a point.

When I was younger - and I think I've mentioned this before - I would masturbate and then get terrible post-wank-guilt. Looking back it seems ridiculous, but it's true. It took easily a good few years to get past that - but I have to say, I'm glad I did! Obviously, I was vaguely aware that some people had fetishes and kinks, but in an abstract way. I don't think I correlated some early experiences of mine to BDSM elements, but they're stories for another day.

Once I was introduced in a more personal sense to BDSM, I remained fairly passive for quite some time - in that what a partner wanted I would listen to, and perhaps do, but my own needs were seldom thought about. I feel I should clarify though, that a lot of my own needs, had I been listening to them, were the same things that were already happening. There were still, though, some practices that seemed appealing, but that I declined due to my own negative body image. Being invited to partake in some (clothed) bondage modelling springs to mind!

In much more recent times, by comparison, I have been very open in my own mind to the idea of being turned on and stimulated by the majority of things (in an "it's possible, think about it" sense) - and find that with a little thought and daydream, I seem to have a lot of potential kinks. I'm lucky, I think, that these days I don't feel guilty or dirty because of my kinks or my wider sexuality. I don't feel that BDSM is immoral or wrong, and more than eating a banana is wrong - if you like bananas, eat them... just don't shove them in the mouth of a person who can't stand 'em! ;) [aka SSC, kids].

Writing this has got me thinking though. Is there perhaps a part of me that is a little ashamed of some of my kinks, or maybe the volume of kinks? I only wonder because there are many I haven't discussed with the Mr. It could be that, or it could be that we're generally really poor communicators (which we are - let's skip over that irony, yeah?).

I'm off to ponder this some more.

NK x