Sinful Sunday: Never Naked

I'm never truly naked with my collar.

Master collared me early this year and I've worn this since. To be without it would feel incredibly wrong to me. It's discrete enough to wear day to day without suspicion or questions. 

In times of stress, worry or sadness, my collar is my link to him, to feel him near me even when we are physically apart. 

Click to see who else took part this week...

Letter to Master

Flickr // CC

So, I suck at communication. I know I do, In fact, we both kind of do, but in many ways I'm worse. More or less because more little things will niggle away at me than will at Master, and I won't raise them. Occasionally, I do... but more often than not, they'll be squirrelled away somewhere in the back of my mind.

Master doesn't read my blog. I understand why he doesn't - he cites concern of it affecting my freedom in writing here. I get that - but in some ways, I wish he would.

I know it would be a... questionable method of communication. But right now anything would seem better than where I'm at. I worry about things and don't say anything. I try sometimes, but nothing comes out.

So Master. If you do see this, please understand I am happy for you to read. Partly because it's better than what I'm managing at the moment, but for a reason much more than that. Because I am yours, and my writing and thoughts are parts of me, so they are yours. Even my worst parts belong to you, though I may wish to change them and improve, they are still yours. There is nothing I could say here I would not want you to see, and that is not due to self-censorship. It is because I am yours.

NK xx

Vanilla to D/s and onward to M/s...

(Flickr // CC)

So... This is where I get writer's block...

WazDakka and I started out in a vanilla relationship. Sure there was pretty much always some BDSM play there as it was a pre-existing interest for the both of us, but the relationship itself functioned in a vanilla manner, as boyfriend/girlfriend with little - to - no power dynamic. 

Then, a while ago, it became a lot more D/s (Dominant/submissive). A power dynamic definitely came into play and was, in time, recognised. It fit, and wasn't an especially thought-out thing. In some ways, it helped that there was never a power struggle or difficulty working out where the balance was as WazDakka is Dom through and through, as much as I am sub through and through.

Lately though, it really became clear that M/s (Master/slave) was much closer a description to how we were actually living. WazDakka pointed this out and since then, we've effectively relabelled our relationship. I'm finding myself behaving differently too, actually. There are times when I remember my behaviour is a reflection on my Master and as such my conduct should be the best it can be.

There have been a lot of small shifts recently, and all for the better. I can only look forward to what the future has to bring for us :)

NK x

I'm a Brat.

Brats love cupcakes.

I've wanted to write about this for a while.

Most people who read this blog will by now know that I am a submissive. My partner is both my boyfriend in vanilla terms and my Dominant. It's become a running joke between us and beyond that I am, at times, somewhat bratty.

I never meant it to be so. I dislike the concept of brattiness, and seeing it in other subs tends to make me flinch. I guess it's true what they say that you tend to most notice negative traits in others if they are ones you possess yourself.

The thing is though, there is more than one sort of bratty - in my opinion, anyway. Sure, you have full on, topping-from-the-bottom bratting. But then you also have the cute(?), generally childlike, playful bratting. Naturally, there's a whole bunch inbetween too, but broadly speaking most of what I see falls vaguely into one of those categories.

The other side of the coin is of course, the tollerance of the Dominant involved with a bratting sub. Some take playful bratting in good humour and don't have an issue with it. Others may see it as insubordination, no matter the intent.

Most of the time, I'd like to say that when I do go brat, it's of the playful kind. In fact, I'd hope it always was. But here's the thing, sometimes bratting that's meant to be of the playful kind inadvertantly serves as the controlling sort. In all honesty, I dislike myself bratting of either kind. I have a much stronger subby/service orientated streak in me than I often admit to, and being disobedient makes me feel bad.

So why do I brat? Mostly, for attention, if I'm being honest with myself. Sometimes it also serves the same purpose as nervous laughter, too. But mostly, the attention.

I'm an ass.

I'd like not to be.

NK x

On Shifting Goalposts and Awesome Boyfriends.

 

First of all, as a side-note, I should be working. I know that. I will be soon, but this all needs to come out of my head if there is even a chance of that happening... Which it really needs to!

I saw the map shown above on another blog post an absolute age ago in a round-up of things the blogger had found, and bookmarked it. I found it interesting, especially as I'd always considered R and I to be mono... But the graphic saw things differently. At the time, our arrangement was that I was allowed to engage in non-sex kink play with friends, as R is less into kink than I am. What interested me especially about the placement of arrangements onto that map was that "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex and no emotional connection" was classified as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy" but did not get defined as a form of poly... whereas the description of "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex" (but allowing for emotional connection) found itself in "Polyamorous relationships" as well as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy".

Now, when looking at this at the time, I found that slightly odd, because I guess I didn't really see our arrangement as being poly-ish at all. But then, personally, I think I would struggle to engage in BDSM or D/s play with anyone I didn't have at least some form of emotional connection with.

Now, the more interesting stuff!

This weekend has been... Interesting. Lately, I've struggled a little. I've been comfortable with my sexuality for a long time and that hasn't exactly changed, but I do find being bisexual I get shifts in where my preferences lie, and while I always do like both, there are times I swing far more towards women. Add on to that, that I haven't been near a woman in a sexual sense in probably about 3 or 4 years... Frustration. On top of that I had begun to feel distant from R because of my mind being all girl-obsessed at the moment. In turn, this meant I felt guilty as sin for it. Now, I know that's not useful or sensible, but it was how I felt.

On explaining all of this to him, R's response was (and I quote) "Go for it". Not the answer I'd expected. After a whole lot more talking across the course of two nights (for some reason, our communication seems to improve once we hit the sack... probably because my communication improves, so I just demand conversations!) we have established what have now been termed as "All new and improved, sparkly goalposts. Some might even say shiney".

The upshot is:

• R and I still love each other very much and that comes in ahead of ANYTHING else. He knows to say if he feels differently ever about anything, and any little 'eeps' should be mentioned, because I would hate to do anything to ever hurt him.
• He is totally fine with me having what has been termed "girl fun".
• He must be told before anything happens, and has (an unlikely to be used) right of veto.

I think that's everything. So, yeah, I'm still trying to sort out my own headspace from that.

NK x

On Fantasising...

Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From Chiara CC on Flickr.

I think fantasies are interesting. 

I identify completely as a submissive. It's just who I am and always have been from the beginning of my partnered sex beginnings. I have never really questioned my BDSM roles within that time, or at least not until lately. 

I found myself desperate for sleep on Tuesday night. I knew I'd only have time for about 3 hours sleep at most as I was heading to London via coach in the small hours of the next morning for the Student Fees Protest (and no, I wasn't one of the ones who got violent, honest!). 

As time passed, I still struggled to drift off. My mind wouldn't slow down or shut off, and I felt restless and wide awake. There is, of course, an obvious sedative. 

A good orgasm induces such a fantastic state of relaxation, the sensation of spent energies and sastisfaction that make it so very easy to drift into slumber... 

Already naked in my bed (I cannot sleep clothed for love nor money... well, when I really have to. But if it's my own home, it ain't happening!), I allow my hands to wander across my body; my mind searching for a scene to play out and emmerse myself within. 

I surprise myself as my mind conjures that of a submissive male, desperate and beneath me. He is warned not to even think of getting hard as I squat above his face. In my fantasy, I feel my knickers become hot and wet as they soak through with my juices, inches above his pathetic face. 

His cock stiffens, and a swift, stinging strike of the crop lands. "What the fuck did I tell you?" I scold. 

"I'm sorry, Mistress, please"

Still just above his face, my fingers slide into my panties, pushing them aside to allow him to see me rub my hardened clit.

Lying in my bed, eyes closed and deep within my fantasy, my fingers mimick those within my mind. 

It takes next to no time before I feel waves of pleasure radiate from my pussy, as my orgasm comes hard and pulsating. I feel my pussy juices drip onto his waiting face. I warn him to catch every drop with his mouth if he wants to please me. 

He does. 

"Well done, you've done something right for once". 

And before the scene can even finish playing out in my mind, I come back to the present. 

Just me in my bed, wondering what the fuck that was about, and how it got me so hot.

NK x

BDSM and Me - Part 5: Culture

This is part 5 in a 15 part series of questions I've been slowly working my way through for some time now. Click here to see the full list. 

What would you say have been (if any) mass and pop culture influences on your BDSM expectations, performance and desires?

Picture reproduced under Creative Commons. From Bert23 www.aerosolplanet.com on Flickr

Right now, I find this a really interesting question. I switched degrees at University and I'm now studying on a programme that combines media and cultural studies; a course that I'm finding incredibly enjoyable and very "me".

Even defining popular culture is a huge undertaking however! (It must be if a professor at my University can somehow have managed to crank out five editions of a text book on media and popular culture!) I have 2000 words to write on just that!

However, overlooking the problems with the term itself, I'll attempt to answer this without veering off into essay mode!

Popular culture has for a long time, depicted kinksters and BDSMers as the "others", as the socially deviant, and at times morally questionable. I always found that hard to accept. From a fairly young age, the first sights of kink I was exposed to (I would suspect that was online!), I found to be an enlightening demonstration of self expression. For that reason, I always felt that I didn't understand the need for secrecy we find imposed upon us by society.

At the same time, however, I also suffered with masturbation guilt during my earlier years as a furtive wanker. It wasn't probably until I reached mid teens that I truly accepted self love as a source of pleasure and joy, rather than something to feel ashamed of afterwards.

Luckily, by the time I was introduced in the real world to kink, I was well and truly over my self pleasure shame!

Largely, I'd say I tend to avoid paying too much attention to what mainstream mass media has to say about fetish and kink, as the majority of it is nothing more or less than a caricature of reality; a distorted jumble of the seedier elements of what someone might have done to someone else, somewhere...

Saying that, though, I am a member of FetLife, and that could be easily classified as a sub-group within society, and of course, that makes it a smaller part of (admittedly "deviant") culture. I have learned a lot about other peoples' kinks and fetishes in the time I have been a member there, and it has helped me greatly in getting more involved with the local social kink scene.

Being involved to this small extent has meant that I feel I better understand what might happen at a BDSM club, or play party, and as such think I may yet find myself in attendence some day. Were it not for the influence of the online and real world communities I have encountered, I know that wouldn't be the case - it'd all be too intimidating for me.

As I have learned of more and different kinks and fantasies which other people hold, I have found my own kinks and potential kinks widening. Some years ago, for example, I might not have been as open to rimming as I am now (if you'll pardon the unintentional pun there!) - and I am so glad I am.

While I know that went on a bit, and I probably waffled on for far too long, I hope it explains a little of my influences.

NK x

BDSM and Me – Part 1: Roles.

Today I'm answering the first question from the series I'm currently partaking in; BDSM and Me.

What role(s) do you fit into within BDSM? If more than one, do you see one as your “primary” role?

I have always, since I first stumbled into kink, identified as a submissive. Even in my pre kink days, I'd always seek to be in the submissive role within sex, to be the person being told what to do, the fucked rather than the one in charge doing the fucking. Some people who know my kinky leanings are surprised as I can be quite bold in everyday life, and often take charge of situations; for me I wonder if it acts as a release or form of relaxation, to be told what to do and relinquish all control.

These days my submissive side is a little more certain than it used to be, and it's developed in many ways. From the little girl I was at 17 and the instinctive, almost primal responses I gave to those early spanks and wrist binds in rock clubs, to the sub I am now and the kinks I know I have now.

I've faced interesting dilemmas, especially recently, such as having a partner who is kinky, but not nearly to the same extent I am. It's probably only comparitively recently that I've realised I probably qualify as a bit of a masochist too, in that pain - in mild to moderate quantities - is really, really hot. I still say "mild-moderate" even though I'm the first person to say I don't believe something so innately subjective as pain can be quantified, because It's what, on my scale, is mild to moderate. On someone else's scale it would probably hurt like hell, and equally I could likely name a few friends who would laugh in the face of what I currently find to be nearing my limits!

I think that covers most elements of how I identify right now within BDSM and kink, but if you want to ask any questions feel free to comment here or fire away on my Formspring (you don't need to register). Likewise, follow me on Twitter and Facebook for regular updates and more of my wittering!

NK x

On ice...

When I think back to myself as an eighteen year old, only recently introduced to the world of kink by my then on-off girlfriend, one occasion really stands out in my mind.

She'd mentioned BDSM to me not long before and I was still very much in the "unsure" phase. I knew instinctively I was naturally submissive, and that I probably had a small masochistic streak, but aside from that it was all incredibly alien to me; and I felt staggeringly out of my depth just thinking about it and the possibilities.

I found myself once again, in the rock club we frequented at the time, the thumping bass pounding through my body. I saw an all-too familliar glint in her eye as an idea sprung to mind. She knocked back more of her drink, and retrieved an ice cube from her mouth.

Grasping the cube, she slipped her hand down my top and into my bra. Positioning the ice cube directly on my nipple, she warned me to leave it. Or else. I flinched, hard. My nipple stood erect, sensitive and stinging from the intense cold. I closed my eyes for a second, only opening them to see another cube being slid into my left bra cup. Oh, God.

I protested; "But, I'll get a wet bra!"
Not convinced, or at least not caring, she replied that I would just have to fucking cope.

I did. It stung. My nipples were hard the rest of the night, and I can't pretend I'm not wet thinking about it now. There's a reason this is in the freezer now. [US - available here] ;)

NK x

Roses are red, bruises are black and blue...

Today I wanted to mention a company and a product I spotted some time ago in the back of Bizarre magazine (Oh, how I love Bizarre...); The English Leather Rose Company.

 According to their site, they started out on a Narrowboat! Growing roses on a Narrowboat, is apparently, not doable! So the creator set about devising an alternative. If you want to read all about their history, it's available here.

To the left is what the ELR Co. call their Erotica rose from their Gothic Collection - my personal favourite rose.

Between the timeless contrast of vivid, passionate red with the strict darkness of black and the gentle spikeyness of the rose's aesthetic, I couldn't help but be drawn to it.



 For the kinky amongst us, two roses in particular stand out in the collection.

The first of the two is the Fetish Rose. Described as being "for a different kind of love", the Fetish Rose comes in four different colour designs - pure red, red/black mix, rich purple and pure black.

What really sets these roses apart from the other roses at The English Leather Rose Co. is the addition of real barbed wire! Symbolising the painful pleasures to be found in fetish romances, play and scenes, the barbed wire halo is wound downwards and bound into the black leather stem.

It should go without saying that as these roses have very real, very pointy, barbed wire attached, they're strictly for ornamental use and should be kept and displayed somewhere away from where little hands could grab them!

The other thing you do need to keep in mind about this particular rose design is that barbed wire is not easy for the creator Louise to work with, so at particular times they might not be available (i.e. right before Valentines) and in general it might be a good idea to give her a good bit of notice and allow yourself a little longer, just in case. ;)

Finally, the BDSM rose really struck me. I know so many people who would just fall in love with this. Black and Blue (geddit?) with a black stem and leaves.

The colours featured symbolise a variety of aspects found within BDSM relationships, and the rose is available with or without the fetish adornment of the barbed wire halo. Divine!

I haven't yet had the luxury of owning a leather rose, but some day I will! I'd definately recommend checking out Louise's site at The English Leather Rose Company, and following her on twitter!

NK x

PS - anyone want to get me one? ;)

A Little Girl's Need for Submission.

I remember being 17. In a rock club, the rock scene still new enough to me that I still felt mildly intimidated, a little on edge. The music was loud, and the heavy basslines reverberated through my body.

Suddenly, a hand strikes my ass. I stop, and turn. Ready to tear the head off some adolescent wanker who feels any female is his possession to do with as he pleases, I draw breath. Then feel it exit me, as I see it is, in fact, the girl I've been crushing on since we were first introduced some weeks prior.

Everything stops.

The world around us seems to lack all significance, as there is only us. The marshmallow softness as her lips meet mine, countered swiftly by her forceful yet deliciously erotic tongue dancing over my own, playing in my mouth. Girl kisses are different to boy kisses. This is a fact, I'm sure of it. (Truth be told, while I love R and wouldn't change him for the world... I do miss girl kisses!)

 I also remember, every bit as vividly, her question to me, some time later. "Do you like bondage?" The truthful answer would have been "Erm, I have no idea, you're the first woman I've kissed, I'm still pretty inexperienced, and I've never been tied up or down in my life... but the idea excites me". What I said was "...maybe", with a devilish grin.

 I was so desperate not to seem as inexperienced and vanilla as I was - perhaps as that had never felt much like who I really was? Part of that, though, was undeniably caused by her. The relationship was, at the best of times, subject to her mindfuckery, and she didn't exactly treat me especially well.

Now though, I can look back and see that while she was never a good girlfriend, perhaps she'd have made a good play partner? I wasn't in the right place for that then though, so I don't dwell on it too much. The relationship may have had it's problems - to say the least - but the fire that grew from the spark she created still burns bright. I still need to be someone's little girl, to be submissive and be Dominated, to be told what to do and to serve. To feel the most alive I could ever feel while my limits are tested, and feel the rush so great that nerves across my body feel like they're about to explode. I suspect I always will.

NK x