On Shifting Goalposts and Awesome Boyfriends.

 

First of all, as a side-note, I should be working. I know that. I will be soon, but this all needs to come out of my head if there is even a chance of that happening... Which it really needs to!

I saw the map shown above on another blog post an absolute age ago in a round-up of things the blogger had found, and bookmarked it. I found it interesting, especially as I'd always considered R and I to be mono... But the graphic saw things differently. At the time, our arrangement was that I was allowed to engage in non-sex kink play with friends, as R is less into kink than I am. What interested me especially about the placement of arrangements onto that map was that "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex and no emotional connection" was classified as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy" but did not get defined as a form of poly... whereas the description of "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex" (but allowing for emotional connection) found itself in "Polyamorous relationships" as well as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy".

Now, when looking at this at the time, I found that slightly odd, because I guess I didn't really see our arrangement as being poly-ish at all. But then, personally, I think I would struggle to engage in BDSM or D/s play with anyone I didn't have at least some form of emotional connection with.

Now, the more interesting stuff!

This weekend has been... Interesting. Lately, I've struggled a little. I've been comfortable with my sexuality for a long time and that hasn't exactly changed, but I do find being bisexual I get shifts in where my preferences lie, and while I always do like both, there are times I swing far more towards women. Add on to that, that I haven't been near a woman in a sexual sense in probably about 3 or 4 years... Frustration. On top of that I had begun to feel distant from R because of my mind being all girl-obsessed at the moment. In turn, this meant I felt guilty as sin for it. Now, I know that's not useful or sensible, but it was how I felt.

On explaining all of this to him, R's response was (and I quote) "Go for it". Not the answer I'd expected. After a whole lot more talking across the course of two nights (for some reason, our communication seems to improve once we hit the sack... probably because my communication improves, so I just demand conversations!) we have established what have now been termed as "All new and improved, sparkly goalposts. Some might even say shiney".

The upshot is:

• R and I still love each other very much and that comes in ahead of ANYTHING else. He knows to say if he feels differently ever about anything, and any little 'eeps' should be mentioned, because I would hate to do anything to ever hurt him.
• He is totally fine with me having what has been termed "girl fun".
• He must be told before anything happens, and has (an unlikely to be used) right of veto.

I think that's everything. So, yeah, I'm still trying to sort out my own headspace from that.

NK x

Why Define by Difference?

 

CC // Flickr

A monogamist look at polyamory, compersion and all things non-monogamous, and how we need to move past a binary perspective... Or in other words: here be a rant.

Mr NK and I are monogamous. Exclusive. Whatever you want to call it. We've been together for almost two and a half years, and have always been mono (Does that sound like I'm talking about us being a disease to the American folks reading? Hmm).

Up until just over a year ago, I'd say I had limited (non-online) knowledge of polyamory. Then I joined FetLife. Ah, the innocent and naive! Don't get me wrong here, I was aware of the concepts, and knew of people online who were involved in varying forms of non-monogamy, and had no problem or confusion about that. However, none of my "real world" (Ack, I hate that term) friends were polyamorous, and while I would occasionally stumble upon references to polyamorous relationships in blog posts or articles online, I didn't really actively look at the issues at play, simply because it didn't really involve me.

These days, the generally awesome girltype I'd probably class as my best friend is polyamorous, and holds it as something quite important to her. Much as sexuality is key to a person, to be polyamorous is to her, a core attribute (Lilly, correct my post if this sounds wrong to you - and if so, please accept my apologies and boobs for make-up flashing). Between our talks and reading around what other people have to say on the subject, both in poly and mono based boards on FL, there are some things that have been getting on my nerves somewhat. I guess the most accurate way to put them would be sweeping generalisations, and while I tend to logic that they're normally based in a degree of reality, I feel they've become so prevalent, so stated-as-truth, that I need to set a few things straight. These are my truths. They may not be everyones'. YMMV etc.

With that, on to my gripes!

• Monogamous people are innately jealous

Right... Except, that's about as founded in reality as saying "blondes are dumb". Sure, some are, I'm sure. Hell, we all have our moments. But not always. In my case, I'd say I occasionally am. It tends to relate far more to times when I feel the balance is out of whack and I'm not having my needs met, though, rather than some irrational, paranoid girlfriend moment.

• Monogamous people don't "get" compersion

I can't speak for all mono types here, but I do. I can grasp the concept of deriving happiness from my partner's pleasure/happiness of his own. I'm not going to pretend there wouldn't be occasional wibble-moments, but I actually do get it. I guess the best way to explain it is that it doesn't feel like some kind of crazy, alien concept to me.

• Monogamous people are in denial about their needs being met (or rather, not being met) by a single person.

Maybe some are. Sure, I hear couples talking about how they're just perfect. How everything "fits" and that the other person is everything and does everything they could have ever wanted or needed. If that is the case, then that's great. I suspect, though, that for some, who they're trying to convince is questionable. For me, Mr NK probably doesn't meet everything I could possibly desire. Firstly, I'm bisexual. Personal opinion here, but I think any person who is bisexual and says they don't, from time to time (or more) think about fucking a person of differing gender status to the person they are with is full of shit. I know I do. Second of all, I'm kinkier than Mr NK is. We're lucky that I'm subby and he's naturally Dom but he could pretty much take or leave kink, and has limited interest in extended participation (think fet events, full scenes etc).

There are some interesting suggestions being hurled from the other side of the fence too though...

• Poly people aren't in Twoo Love(tm).

Oh puh-lease. This one's getting old already. I know of some very loving couples, triads, groups etc who have non-monogamous relationships.

• Poly is an excuse for cheating

I'm not going to deny there are, I'm sure, some folks who go into it so that they can fuck around and avoid hassle. But from the relationships I've witnessed, that really isn't what's going on. And yes, in a great many poly models of relationships, it is possible to be (or feel) cheated on. In all hinges on transparency and trust, y'know?

I can't pretend I can be the best answer of any shit-slinging at polyamory, but it makes me flinch to hear mono people saying (uninformed) negative things about different types of relationship. Besides, if I'd only mentioned what I've heard poly posters say about the mono lot, it might have seemed a little... inbalanced!

My point of all of this is that our differences are less significant than our similarities. We're all in relationships to express our love for another person/people. We're all (mostly) conducting our relationships according to whatever model is working for us. I'd even say we all want largely similar things; to have our needs met and meet the needs (both wherever possible) of the others in our lives, to love and be loved, and to be happy. Why must we continue to define by difference, rather than embracing the whole range of similarity and difference in our relationships as a positive thing? I'm sick of seeing the stirring, truth be told.

Please, comment back, tweet me... generally, I want to know what you think about it all.

NK x

The Ex Factor? When a former flame returns...

Recently, a friend of mine broke up with her significant other, and pretty quickly got involved with an ex. Some might be quick to presume it'd be a rebound romance, and nothing more. In her case though, I really don't think it is. See, for her and her ex, it was never 'over' really. Sure, they stopped seeing one another, they dated other people... but as for where their hearts lay, and where they naturally gravitated? Totally not over.

So they're together again now and I support her in that. I can see they care a great deal about each other and he treats her how I want her to be...

You'll often hear people say you should never return to an ex as there was always a reason you split in the first place. I'm not convinced, and suspect that's a little too sweeping to be fully true. Sure, if you split because of a personality trait that hasn't changed, or behaviour that hasn't altered, then of course it'd be foolish to slip back between the sheets...

But if you can honestly look back at your past love and know that the reasons you split are now mitigated, then it can work. For my friend, the fact that they lived a distance from each other was difficult. Now, they have better transport and a little more financial availability to get to see one another. The first time around, his willingness to commit didn't always work in his favour. I think, for her, it could feel a little stifling. Now, 4 years on and having spent that time with a partner who wasn't willing to consider how they were moving forward, and that once stifling focus seems wonderful.

It's not always so though. Some people are given every chance in the world by those around them and never change. I recently heard from an ex of mine, I'll call him the chef... He'd deleted and reactivated Facebook, and when I wrote on his wall mocking how short a time he was away for, I found a comment on my post, apparently from his very recently become-ex... Followed up by a message, it all alleges the chef's been a very naughty boy again, not only cheating on several girls at once (with none of them knowing), but also saying very disturbing things - using his family's ficticious ill health as excuses... All in all, if even half of it is true, it shows he really hasn't changed. When we were together, he even borrowed my phone to sit on a call to his ex for an hour when he was cheating on me with her... Nice. I wouldn't be surprised if he had done what these girls and their friends have said, in all honesty.

I really think he needs to get some more casual playmates and friends with benefits instead of being a monogamous cheat..if nothing else, it does seem to get him in some fixes!

In all? Sure it can work. But assess the reasons behind the split first. And if there was fault on one side... has the leopard changed their spots...?

NK x

2 Years.

I can't quite believe it's two years already for R and I. It's our anniversary today - and in case you're wondering, I'm not at the computer... god bless blogger's scheduled posting facility!

Our plans for today are pretty basic, taken from our Valentines day celebrations which were brilliant, and very "us" - spending a day, snuggled up together, ignoring the world as much as possible, watching dvds and eating tasty snacks. There will, of course be a watching of this film. I'm not saying it's a classy one, but it's what we went to see at the cinema two years ago today, and we rewatched it on our 6-month anniversary and our 1 year anniverary too... It's become an institution for us, and we intend to keep it up. Besides, we're so childish it still makes us giggle.

So, love and happiness to all of you.
We've got a fair bit of it going on today

NK + R xx