On Shifting Goalposts and Awesome Boyfriends.

 

First of all, as a side-note, I should be working. I know that. I will be soon, but this all needs to come out of my head if there is even a chance of that happening... Which it really needs to!

I saw the map shown above on another blog post an absolute age ago in a round-up of things the blogger had found, and bookmarked it. I found it interesting, especially as I'd always considered R and I to be mono... But the graphic saw things differently. At the time, our arrangement was that I was allowed to engage in non-sex kink play with friends, as R is less into kink than I am. What interested me especially about the placement of arrangements onto that map was that "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex and no emotional connection" was classified as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy" but did not get defined as a form of poly... whereas the description of "You can do D/s stuff with other people as long as there's no sex" (but allowing for emotional connection) found itself in "Polyamorous relationships" as well as "BDSM play and D/s non-monogamy".

Now, when looking at this at the time, I found that slightly odd, because I guess I didn't really see our arrangement as being poly-ish at all. But then, personally, I think I would struggle to engage in BDSM or D/s play with anyone I didn't have at least some form of emotional connection with.

Now, the more interesting stuff!

This weekend has been... Interesting. Lately, I've struggled a little. I've been comfortable with my sexuality for a long time and that hasn't exactly changed, but I do find being bisexual I get shifts in where my preferences lie, and while I always do like both, there are times I swing far more towards women. Add on to that, that I haven't been near a woman in a sexual sense in probably about 3 or 4 years... Frustration. On top of that I had begun to feel distant from R because of my mind being all girl-obsessed at the moment. In turn, this meant I felt guilty as sin for it. Now, I know that's not useful or sensible, but it was how I felt.

On explaining all of this to him, R's response was (and I quote) "Go for it". Not the answer I'd expected. After a whole lot more talking across the course of two nights (for some reason, our communication seems to improve once we hit the sack... probably because my communication improves, so I just demand conversations!) we have established what have now been termed as "All new and improved, sparkly goalposts. Some might even say shiney".

The upshot is:

• R and I still love each other very much and that comes in ahead of ANYTHING else. He knows to say if he feels differently ever about anything, and any little 'eeps' should be mentioned, because I would hate to do anything to ever hurt him.
• He is totally fine with me having what has been termed "girl fun".
• He must be told before anything happens, and has (an unlikely to be used) right of veto.

I think that's everything. So, yeah, I'm still trying to sort out my own headspace from that.

NK x

And what, precisely, does that have to do with ANYTHING?

 

And so begins the article;  "THIS is the face of killer Beverley Briggs – carer by day and phone-sex worker by night."

Sorry, what? Please, tell me what the hell her PSO work had to do with her crime? Reading further into the article, we're told she was deep in debt and had stolen from the pensioner she killed. In that sense, holding down a second job gives further information to her background and possibly to her financial situation - but I am damned sure were it any other kind of second job she worked, say as a cleaner, or in a call centre, it wouldn't have been "THIS is the face of killer Beverley Briggs - carer by day and call centre worker by night". It would have, possibly, been mentioned somewhere in the article.

Just checking; I haven't got mixed up have I? It is 2011? Are we still morally staining people for legal, legitimate work? (Aside from the question of declared earnings, but as there was no mention of her not declaring that would be assumptive.)

Surely the headline should have focussed on the fact that she killed an OLD LADY in her CARE? How is her PSO work more important?!

I have nothing more constructive to say right now, I just needed to rage somewhere.

NK x

On Porn Viewership Switchiness.

 

CC // Flickr
(Yes, Pawn/Porn. I'm freaking hilarious, I know.)

Recently I got thinking about how, I guess "switchy" would be the best word, I am in my porn tastes. I watch porn relatively regularly, upwards of once a week (dependent on when I'm in a situation to do so ;) ) and every time I do so, there's generally something I want. Not just something generically hot, but a specific - sometimes I'll want to see something very kink, sometimes it's more vanilla. I might want anal or oral or any number of kinks - sometimes even ones I've never identified as having.

Each type is watched from a different perspective for me though, depending on what's going on, and how I'm feeling that day. If I'm watching a female sub centric scene, then what's getting me off could be me as the voyeur or placing myself as the tortured sub. In an anal scene, I'm probably imagining my ass being taken, but occasionally in a strapon scene, I might find myself in the mindset of being the fucker rather than the fuckee.

However what I found recently is that gender roles seem to affect the way I fantasise within my porn watching. Normally, if I want kink, it'll be female-sub centric, where I can identify with the sub. Just recently though, I found myself watching scenes of male subs being Dommed by females and majorly got off on it, very much in a dominant mindset. It's interesting though, that when I think about the possibility of ever Domming, I can only imagine it with a male sub - don't ask me why, I'm honestly not sure.

Whether or not anything will ever come of any of these thoughts that run through my head, I don't know... But for a self proclaimed totally-non switching, complete sub, this is interesting.

NK x

Why Define by Difference?

 

CC // Flickr

A monogamist look at polyamory, compersion and all things non-monogamous, and how we need to move past a binary perspective... Or in other words: here be a rant.

Mr NK and I are monogamous. Exclusive. Whatever you want to call it. We've been together for almost two and a half years, and have always been mono (Does that sound like I'm talking about us being a disease to the American folks reading? Hmm).

Up until just over a year ago, I'd say I had limited (non-online) knowledge of polyamory. Then I joined FetLife. Ah, the innocent and naive! Don't get me wrong here, I was aware of the concepts, and knew of people online who were involved in varying forms of non-monogamy, and had no problem or confusion about that. However, none of my "real world" (Ack, I hate that term) friends were polyamorous, and while I would occasionally stumble upon references to polyamorous relationships in blog posts or articles online, I didn't really actively look at the issues at play, simply because it didn't really involve me.

These days, the generally awesome girltype I'd probably class as my best friend is polyamorous, and holds it as something quite important to her. Much as sexuality is key to a person, to be polyamorous is to her, a core attribute (Lilly, correct my post if this sounds wrong to you - and if so, please accept my apologies and boobs for make-up flashing). Between our talks and reading around what other people have to say on the subject, both in poly and mono based boards on FL, there are some things that have been getting on my nerves somewhat. I guess the most accurate way to put them would be sweeping generalisations, and while I tend to logic that they're normally based in a degree of reality, I feel they've become so prevalent, so stated-as-truth, that I need to set a few things straight. These are my truths. They may not be everyones'. YMMV etc.

With that, on to my gripes!

• Monogamous people are innately jealous

Right... Except, that's about as founded in reality as saying "blondes are dumb". Sure, some are, I'm sure. Hell, we all have our moments. But not always. In my case, I'd say I occasionally am. It tends to relate far more to times when I feel the balance is out of whack and I'm not having my needs met, though, rather than some irrational, paranoid girlfriend moment.

• Monogamous people don't "get" compersion

I can't speak for all mono types here, but I do. I can grasp the concept of deriving happiness from my partner's pleasure/happiness of his own. I'm not going to pretend there wouldn't be occasional wibble-moments, but I actually do get it. I guess the best way to explain it is that it doesn't feel like some kind of crazy, alien concept to me.

• Monogamous people are in denial about their needs being met (or rather, not being met) by a single person.

Maybe some are. Sure, I hear couples talking about how they're just perfect. How everything "fits" and that the other person is everything and does everything they could have ever wanted or needed. If that is the case, then that's great. I suspect, though, that for some, who they're trying to convince is questionable. For me, Mr NK probably doesn't meet everything I could possibly desire. Firstly, I'm bisexual. Personal opinion here, but I think any person who is bisexual and says they don't, from time to time (or more) think about fucking a person of differing gender status to the person they are with is full of shit. I know I do. Second of all, I'm kinkier than Mr NK is. We're lucky that I'm subby and he's naturally Dom but he could pretty much take or leave kink, and has limited interest in extended participation (think fet events, full scenes etc).

There are some interesting suggestions being hurled from the other side of the fence too though...

• Poly people aren't in Twoo Love(tm).

Oh puh-lease. This one's getting old already. I know of some very loving couples, triads, groups etc who have non-monogamous relationships.

• Poly is an excuse for cheating

I'm not going to deny there are, I'm sure, some folks who go into it so that they can fuck around and avoid hassle. But from the relationships I've witnessed, that really isn't what's going on. And yes, in a great many poly models of relationships, it is possible to be (or feel) cheated on. In all hinges on transparency and trust, y'know?

I can't pretend I can be the best answer of any shit-slinging at polyamory, but it makes me flinch to hear mono people saying (uninformed) negative things about different types of relationship. Besides, if I'd only mentioned what I've heard poly posters say about the mono lot, it might have seemed a little... inbalanced!

My point of all of this is that our differences are less significant than our similarities. We're all in relationships to express our love for another person/people. We're all (mostly) conducting our relationships according to whatever model is working for us. I'd even say we all want largely similar things; to have our needs met and meet the needs (both wherever possible) of the others in our lives, to love and be loved, and to be happy. Why must we continue to define by difference, rather than embracing the whole range of similarity and difference in our relationships as a positive thing? I'm sick of seeing the stirring, truth be told.

Please, comment back, tweet me... generally, I want to know what you think about it all.

NK x

Review: Cal Exotics "Shane's World" Sorority Party Vibe - Nooner

 

Cal Exotics sent me this for review this month, and I have to admit a little cringe did sneak onto my face when I first set eyes on the packaging. The words "sorority party vibe" just jumped out at me - and not in a good way.

You may think "well, what's the matter, it's the toy that's important, right?", and I agree it is the most important aspect of the product, but I really feel that poor packaging lets a toy down, it can make all the difference to whether or not you'd give the toy as a gift, and I'd even argue that really tacky packaging (like this) does a lot to keep sex toys in the realm of dirty, seedy things. Bad! ><

Onto the toy though, and I was pleased to see it only needs a single AA battery, which was really easy to fit - twist off the cap, pop the battery in, and replace the cap. The controls are as simple, as the multi-speed vibe works off a twist mechanism - the purple pointer bit you see in the picture is your speed selector/on-off switch.

The speed levels are noticably different - something I've found not to always be the case with twist cap vibrators, and go from a low, rumbly feeling buzz to a much higher pitched, bullet like feel. The great news is that the vibes do carry to the end of the toy, as I found when using this for clit stimulation. The handy thing about it not being a bullet (other than not needing fiddly batteries) is that you don't get the vibrations wizzing up into your hand during use (something that bugs me when using many bullets).

 

Like much of the current Cal Exotics range, it has a silky "velvet cote" finish, which feels great. It boasts being waterproof, something that I haven't actually tried myself, so can't comment on.I was pleased to see though, that this is a seamless vibe, making it smooth all over. I was sent the purple one, but the vibe also comes in pink (of course) and a bright, lime green (er, right).

The biggest bugbear I had with this vibe during use was the fact that I found myself knocking the twist control, just through the way I was holding it, meaning it kept dropping to a lower setting, which was kinda offputting! I'm not generally very tollerant of vibrators I have to consciously think about how to hold the whole way through as really, I don't feel like that's what self pleasure should be about.

It was disappointing to have those issues with the twist cap, because ignoring that, the vibe itself is enjoyable - the vibration settings offer something for almost everyone, and the vibes carry really well into the clit. Used for penetration, I'd suggest it for days when you don't want a challenge, or perhaps for beginners or those using with wary partners - it's not in the least bit intimidating (being 4.75" insertable).

All in all, a vibe that is fundamentally enjoyable, but with a flaw. And horrid packaging. Still a good little intro vibe, and cheap and easy to run.

NK x